I don't believe

Love used to be "my thing".
I was obsessed with it; with finding the perfect guy and having the perfect love story that everyone would envy. I wanted to be the perfect girl that at least ONE special person couldn't possibly resist falling in love with. I watched romance after romance, and my only wish is that I would find a love like that too.
Maybe that's why I was so happy when everything first happened with John...it felt like a love story. And then with Andy, it almost felt like the continuation of that story...the first one went bad, but then out of nowhere came this flower making, glass turtle buying guy to save the day. I guess it was all a little too perfect.
The shocking part is that although I guess I cared about both of them, I definitely didn't love either of them...not even a little. What hurt me so much wasn't the fact that I lost them, but that I had lost at all. I felt hideous, ugly, disgusting. I thought they must have ended things with me because I wasn't thin enough, wasn't pretty enough or good enough.
But I guess...as much as it hurt, and as miserable as I was, it taught me a valuable lesson. There is no such thing as love. Guys want sex, and girls want someone to cuddle and talk about their feelings with. Sometimes, it matches up and you get a great relationship, but even if you do, at least one person will always get sick of the other and leave them for someone else; someone better than you.
Call me a cynic, but I don't believe in love anymore.
I guess the hopeless romantic in me still has an ounce of hope that someday I'll find someone that will prove me wrong, but for now I don't really care. I'm just sick of getting hurt, but I guess if you don't have any expectations you can't be disappointed right?
I wish I could just delete all the bad memories and right click all the negative thoughts and send them to my mind's recycle bin, but I can't. I've been screwed over so many times, and I'm sick of hating myself so much, because no matter what the other person does, I always wind up hating ME.
Screw love and emotion and feelings and happiness. I don't need it anymore.
I don't believe in it anymore.

Mabel's kind of a Slut.

So I just finished reading through the script for Mack & Mabel, and found out that for the musical, I have to kiss Portee 3 times, kiss Adnan, and then kiss whoever they get to play "Frank"

Shit, I need to like....practice? Wait, you actually do have to practice kissing for a show, so I have to practice kissing all three of them -________- AWKWARDDDDDD
Honestly though, I hope none of them pull that "let's just fake kiss" bull shit. That shit is more uncomfortable than actually kissing, it's so awkward, I'd rather just kiss.
MOST ACTION I'VE HAD IN YEARS
lmaooo

I Have No Idea What To Think.

He bought me an amazing present, invited me to Virgnia with him and gave me a hug.

A HUG.

I should be happy, right? Why am I so scared?
This doesn't feel real. Someone actually likes me...?

Fuck This.

I thought that once theatre ended, all the stress of the first semester would start to dwindle and I could finally settle in and start getting ready for some serious senioritis. Apparently not.
In fact, things have been worse than ever this past week. Maybe I'm just hormonal, but I don't think so, because I've actually been pretty happy about some stuff, and yet, the other things in my life just keep getting worse and worse.
This isn't stress though. This is everyone else. I'm am fucking sick and tired of being treated like a fucking doormat. I love helping people, I love doing favors for people, but I am so fucking sick of being treated like shit by EVERYONE.
I am not a fucking taxi.
I am not a fucking maid.
I am not a fucking babysitter.
STOP TREATING ME LIKE ONE.

I swear, every time I make a mistake it is blown out of proportion "Are you serious, Sarah?" "Oh god PLEASE tell me you're JOKING, you can't possibly be THAT STUPID, right Sarah?" "I can't believe you didn't do it, Sarah" "I'm dissappointed in you, Sarah"
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
I'm fucking HUMAN. And while I'm quite flattered that people find me so FUCKING great that I'm above making lowly human-people mistakes, I'm not, I'M SERIOUSLY FUCKING NOT.
Also, I'm entirely aware of all my imperfections. Trust me, you think you have self-esteem issues? I still struggle with self hatred, which is why I DON'T NEED YOU TO POINT OUT MY EVERY FUCKING FLAW.
Don't you think if something's gross or weird or bad or ANYTHING that I would fucking know about it? I already hate myself enough, but if you need to point out things about me that suck to make yourself feel better, CONGRATULATIONS I ACTUALLY HATE MYSELF A LITTLE MORE. I DIDN'T EVEN THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE.

I swear to god he's the only one that appreciates me and makes me feel like I'm good enough.

today I re-learned three things.

1. I am very very cranky when I wake up from naps. Always.

2. My sister is a selfish, immature bitch with absolutely no regard for other people's property.

3. Looks really don't matter. I swear to God they don't. Sometimes, someone's personality can make them so gorgeous, even if they aren't....and you're pretty freaking attractive to me.

Thanks So Much.

So...you had the time to be part of Video-Film Club...but you didn't have time for me?
Thanks so much.
I should feel guilty for ignoring you like crazy. But I don't.
Not even a little bit.

ByeByeForever~

Day Three of Healthy Living.

I just ran for 30 mins and did like an hour of cardio on top of that. I feel fucking amazing. I never want to return to my old habits.

You.

Stop giving me false hope, please.
this started out as an innocent little crush because you were patient and kind and funny.
Now that I know the real you....I like you even more, I only know a fraction of what you've gone through, but from what I do know, you are really an amazing person in my eyes. It's so stupid, but I see the way you smile when you look at me....because I have the same reaction....somber, serious...then suddenly, you're a totally different person...happy and just....so friendly. I love talking to you....more than I should.
But the problem is that this isn't some innocent little crush, you're older and this is serious, even dangerous if I'm not careful.
Yet every time I feel like I've reached my breaking point, there you are to make me smile without even trying.
Please stop giving me false hope. It's going to ruin me.

RAGEQUIT

I can't right now
I don't even know what the fuck is making me feel like this
EVERYTHING is absolutely fucking irritating and annoying and bothersome and UGH
I haven't been this angryu is god knows how long
this feeling isn't one I'm used to, but right now I feel like playing that game where you smash the fuck out of the computer just for fun.

http://www.gamefudge.com/Bash-the-Computer

GOD I SERIOUSLY WISH I COULD DO THAT IN REAL LIFE.
Don't be worried if tomorrow I walk around completely silent and broody.
and if I've been a total bitch lately, I sincerely apologize, I swear I'm just a raging hormone monster right now and I'm really afraid to talk to anyone because I might flip crazy amounts of shits.
I seriously want to kill someone right now.
I'm gonna go play a violent video game and see if I feel any better.

I don't feel pretty anymore

I never did, but I used to have this little bit of self-confidence that I kind of kept in reserve in case of emergencies, but I guess I've used it all up.
Ever since I started getting sick...I just feel worse and worse. I'm not even healthy, I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror, why would some one else want to?

I don't understand the word self-conscious. To be conscious is awake and aware. So self-conscious is just to be aware of oneself, right? Then why does it hurt so much?

These boys....people....what's happened.... Their betrayal and treatment of me, combined with my own demons, has completely destroyed me.
I can't even bear to look at myself anymore.
I want to break the necklace, smash the turtle and burn those stupid fucking flowers.
The sad thing is, that when it's all done, I won't hate myself any less.

P.S. Happy 70th Post

Quite Possibly My Most Angry Post Yet

I'm so fed up with people taking advantage of me
I know I'm not perfect
I know I make tons of mistakes, but I really do try to be a generally good person
and yet everyone feels it's perfectly okay to treat me like complete shit. and I am SO tired of it.
And they don't just treat me like shit, they even treat my property like shit.
I'm sick of people telling me everything that's wrong with me too
If I look like shit, or my hair is messy or my shirt is too tight or my skin looks really dry YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT IT.
don't you think I feel bad enough all ready? And if not, DON'T YOU THINK 20 OTHER PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY TOLD ME THE SAME FUCKING THING?

I'm just fed up and pissed off and so so so tired.
All I want is a little more respect.
I honestly try to do so much for others, I really do, and I hardly ever say no to people. I do everything I am asked.
Is it really so much to ask for people to be just a little nicer?

Time to Wake Up.

I'm done.
No more sleeping in and taking things lying down.

The past few weeks I've been in this weird limbo of depressed - very happy - depressed. I don't know why it's suddenly....how can I put it.... unbearable.
Lately I've felt so much worse than usual, especially about myself. I feel scared and alone and disgusting and all sorts of horrible things that no one should have to feel.

All I want is change. I want to stop surrounding myself with negative people and stop talking about negative things. I want to be grateful and act grateful. I have two arms and two legs and my health, and besides happiness, there's really nothing else in the world I could ask for. I'm done complaining, it's time to start acting.

I want to be a
better
happier
healthier
me.

I almost but I didn't.

I was about to give in.
I was about to call, surrender in this strange war of ignorance we seem to have with one another.
I can't help but wonder what your thoughts are on the situation, because I can barely comprehend my own.
I think the only reason I really had any desire to talk to you is because I really really wished deep down in my heart that everything would magically fix itself and you would turn around and actually treat me like a person and all this time I might have actually meant something to you.
But then I realized that magic doesn't exist
and you never really gave a shit.
So I was about to give in.
I was about to call, to surrender
but I didn't.
Because I realized I'm the only one in this war
you never even cared enough to fight in it.

I should honestly be left alone for the next 5-8 days.

I'm not usually one to get moody during "that time of the month" and...its probably just because there's a lot of...."stressful" things going on....but I seriously want to kill everyone. I'm actually in a reasonably okay-ish mood most of the time, but the smallest little irritation either makes me want to cry or punch someone in the face...or both.
So...yeah, I'm honestly going to try to avoid pretty much everyone all day tomorrow.

All I have to say is that I wish people would stop complaining about band. Like...I realize the speeches are tiring and everything but the only reason I say what I say is because I AM THE ONE WHO GETS THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING. If we don't play quickly enough, loudly enough, well enough. If we misbehave its MY fault. And it really pisses me off when people just stop giving a shit. Don't fucking join band if you aren't going to give effort, and if you do, then pretty much just disregard what I say about not trying, because I'm not talking about you.
Also, I know this sounds pretty whiney, But I really wish people would realize how fucking hard I work to keep things running smoothely. When everyone else gets to go to the bathroom or get a break or relax, I DON'T. I am always working. I'm there early and I leave late and when I'm not conducting I'm getting lectured by welte and picone about what we have to do "better" or "more of". I get blamed for EVERYTHING.
So I'm sorry, but no one has the right to fucking complain.

okay....My bitching is over for now :D

Stealing from Lucy

My random thoughts to random guys....

1. I know there are a lot of people out there who seriously dislike you...and we've had our good and bad moments too. But I realized that every time I was ever upset with you was only because of what you did to other people...which is honestly wrong of me. Because...when it comes to how you've treated me, you've seriously always been awesome. You're a really really good friend and I'm honestly so happy that we got much closer this year. you are honestly such a good listener and I don't care if everyone hates you because you've seriously been so good to me...even though you really had no reason. Who knows, maybe the only reason you give a crap is because you're nosy as all hell, but I don't even care what your reasons are, because...I don't know...how else can I say it? you've really been a wonderful friend to me, and I hope we make even more memories this year :) I'm gonna miss you after graduation.

2. You...make me really really sad. Honestly I don't even know what to say...There have been more moments than I can count where I've seriously looked for any semblance of good left in you....and I can't find it. I wish that things weren't so weird between us, but I still can't get over how much you've changed...and I never will. You were so amazing...I mean honestly I thought you were like the greatest person in the whole entire world and there's no doubt in my mind that if you had never changed we might still be going out XD Just because you really meant that much to me...but you had to become this...stuck up...elitist...terrible person...and it makes me sick every time I hear you make some kind of judgmental comment. I want to forgive and forget so badly...but I can't...maybe it's selfish...but I will never be able to forgive the fact that you ruined yourself and stole my best friend from me. Either way...thanks for all the memories...you were really such an important person in my life...and I do believe that somewhere deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep down, the old you still exists, because even though I thought you had completely forgotten about us...you said you still remember...and that you would never tell any of my secrets...and that made me really happy...so much so that I almost wanted to cry...because my best friend still exists somewhere deep down....I just wish I had had the chance to tell him goodbye....

3. I'm really unsure what to think of you...and honestly I'm scared for you. We've known each other for quite some time and everyone kids around that you have a thing for me, which I kind believe since you send me the weirdest, vaguest text messages... I feel really bad though. I honestly don't like you like that...I do like you though! But I don't know...a part of me wonders if its only out of pity...is that evil? I don't know...I just feel like you have really serious personal problems but you won't tell anyone...why are you so closed off from everyone? I wish I could help you...but you won't confide in anyone....I'm sorry :/

4. LOL I can't believe I'm dedicating one of these to you...mad random. Yeah so I have a crush on you but you're probably like really old and that's like unbelievably creepy and gross...but I don't even like you...I just need and outlet for my emotions haha...and I know everyone is judging me like crazy but the only reason I feel that way at all is because you're the first person to be nice to me in such a long long time...you've walked me in from the field after drill...you gave me a pep-talk before the competition...you always tell me I do a great job and you always say goodnight before you leave! (and I don't see you doing that to any other drum majors~) I mean...Idk I have a thing for people who are talented at percussion anyway...haha XD but you're too nice to me! Stop giving me false hope maaaan.

5. Omg you jerk<3 I love you and you're my best friend and I would seriously like take a bullet for you but I'm so fucking angry because I hardly ever see you anymore now that you're in college and it sucks D: But I'm terrified...If I really go to college next year...I'll never see you again...and I want to cry at that thought...I can't deal with that...I seriously can't. Thinking about it puts me on the brink of a panic attack...I can't live without you best fraaaaaaand :(

6. I'm really glad that we're cool again and we can joke around just like old times...there's just something that is seriously fun about being mean to you! :D Even though what happened between us was beyond fucked up and weird...And I wish it never happened...and I still kind of think you're secretly a psychopath and would never ever ever date you ever. Okay...that's kind of mean but it's true lol but, you're a fun guy and I'm glad we're cool...so yeah :D

7. Hmm. What can I say to you? other than...I'm so shocked at the way things have turned out. You were like the first crush I ever had (for like 4 frikin years -________-) And I was like obsessed with you. And there were some moments when you were a total dick to me, but others where you were a genuinely sweet guy. And honestly, there were minutes where I seriously thought you actually liked me too, but I doubt it....either way though, I don't think things could have worked any better for us. We're really chill and I'm glad to call you my friend. I apologize for making our entire teenage lives really awkward between one another, but I am really glad we ended up as friends :) you are actually also really good at giving advice....and you've been there for me....so thanks for that.

p.s. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DATED NATALIA. WTF WAS THAT!?!?

8. I am so, unbelievably, outrageously angry at you. WHAT THE HELL. I haven't spoken to you in like...over a month and I kind of never want to talk to you ever again. I'm glad I never ever see you >.> but seriously you just...I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY. YOU MADE ME MISERABLE and I know you didn't do it on purpose because you're such a fucking derp....BUT STOP BEING SUCH A GODDAMN MAMA's BOY AND STEP UP.
A few weeks ago I was about to call you...and I stopped myself..I was like...Why on earth would I keep trying for someone who obviously couldn't give any less of a shit about me??? WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING? And That was the moment I pretty much decided everything we ever had was an utter waste of my life. THANKS SO MUCH~!!!!!!
I did so much for you...and this is how you repay me? I'm not sure if I'm more disgusted with you or myself. UGHHHH. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! EVER!!!!!!!!!

(you aren't even worth a number). I have one thing to say to you:

GO FUCK YOURSELF

No, seriously, please do because I hate your fucking guts. I could write you a million and one letters about how much I FUCKING hate you. You disgust me. I want to vomit at the thought of you and how fucking mean you are. NO WONDER YOU'RE MISERABLE: YOU ARE A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. I can't believe I was so fucking nice to you. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM> I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was SO nice...I poured my heart out to you when you treated me like complete shit and you took it, ripped it in half and spit on it. You went from being the nicest guy...like...ever...to treating me like I wasn't even a human being.
FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
I seriously want to walk up to you and punch you in the face. It's a good thing you're dropping band because:
1. YOU FUCKING SUCK
2. I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE ACTED ON THOSE DESIRES EVENTUALLY.
You are just...unbelievably disgusting and horrible and mean. and the worst part, is that not only did I take it and allow it, but I was NICE to you...SO FUCKING NICE to you even when you were absolutely horrible to me. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. I'm sorry, but I've had 5 relationships and NO ONE has ever treated me as badly as you.
and you know what? if you realized you didn't like me or whatever. YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME. and it makes me...I don't know...the thought that you just "decided" you didn't like me anymore. if it was because I wasn't pretty enough...because I wasn't thin enough. It made me want to hurt myself. AND I BLAMED MYSELF. I BLAMED MYSELF BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING PUSSY TO BREAK THINGS OFF.
Who knows, maybe that isn't what happened...maybe your "I'm not good enough" bullshit was true...I guess I'll never know.
But either way, it still ended up with me blaming myself, hating myself...wanting to hurt myself all because of your selfish actions.
and I'll be honest, everytime I tell someone the story and they say "omg what an asshole! No one should treat YOU like that sarah! I'm gonna go kick his ass!" It makes me really, really fucking happy.
I don't want you to be miserable, I don't want you to be sad.
But, there's nothing I want in this world more than for you to know how fucked up and horrible you are. I want you to feel exactly what I felt. I want you to feel guilty and I want you to apologize.
And I know that's never going to happen, so I'll just take solace in the fact that you really taught me such a valuable lesson!

I'm never ever going to trust anyone again.

All.
because.
of.
you.

what is this.

I feel so.
i dont even know
I feel so sick
andd reeeeeally emotional for some reason
like I'm going to break down at any moment.

I have no idea why, but for some reason it really didntt hit me until now how messed up everything was/is. I mean....as far as the way two certain people have treatted me. It was horrible! Like....if anyone else told me that someone did that to tthem I'd be like....what a disgusting human being. F*ck them you deserve better! I mean....both of them...whether they meant to or not....honestly treated me like crap....and it makes me want to cry thinking about how hurtful and seriously MEAN certain things they did were....
idk. I dunno why it suddenly happened now.
Fuck relationships. I have so many wonderful friends that I care about that I know care about me too. I'm not going to allow myself to be treated like shit anymore.
I know I deserve better than that.
and I know it's stupid, but I'm not sad anymore
I'm angry as Hell.
And I will honestly never trust anyone again.

I'm Scared.

I've been reading this all night and I want to cry


http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

I'm seriously terrified.

I don't feel very good.

I'm really angry at myself.
I promised myself I wouldn't let myself fall behind this year.
that at least until college apps were over, I'd try really really hard.
But I'm so fucking far behind. And I have no one to blame except myself.
I have so much to do
DBQs
College Essays
So many missed tests that I have to make up
I feel like I'm falling into the same exact pattern of last year
stress stress stress
nothing but worry and stress.
and the more depressed I get the less motivation I have to do my work
and the farther behind I get the more stressed out and depressed I feel

fuck my life :(

THANKS LILY~!!!

For Finding me this super cute, super accurate photo. I mean seriously, this is pretty much exactly how I feel word for word.




YOU ARE SUCHA DUMBSHIT OMFG.

So yeah. That's that.
Also...I've noticed something lately.
I'm not usually like
But I've suddenly taken on Lily's quality of irrational hate for other people. Not all people. Just certain people. And I feel bad, I really do...because....some people really have done such nice things for me...
Idk. I'm just a H8TER and H8TERS GONNA H8.
There are just certain people who are seriously pissing me off lately. Like this one girl, who I have no problem with when I see her face to face, but online she's just such a....cyber-attention-whore. And it really bothers me, even though it shouldn't.
Anyway. I have to go get my first aid supplies together and mentally prepare for tomorrow :3

I can't.

I don't know.
I can't.
I need someone to slap me across the face in a superkoreandramalike fashion with novus playing in the background while it rains.
because I need to wake the **** up.
I'm so sick of walking around like a zombie, always miserable and angry.
I'm so sick of people forgetting my birthday and treating my like shit and making me feel like I'm less important the the goddamn SAT's.

I can't.
I honestly feel like crawling into a little hole and never ever coming out. And I know I'm being whiny and selfish and unappreciative but I really don't give a flying fruit right now (I'd type the word but I'm typing this in 8th period.... HI TECH GUYYYZ~)



I never want to be in love again. I don't want to get married, I don't want to go on dates, I don't even want to go to prom.
I don't want any of it. It's too much fucking effort.

Why Am I in Such A Bad Mood Today?

I must be PMSing or something.
I have no idea why, but since I woke up this morning I've literally just wanted to kill everyone, and I feel super over-emotional about everything.

I want to play dragon age while curling up in bed with my soft clemson blanket while listening to seth macfarlane sing me to sleep.

*sigh....

You're A Very Angry Little Boy

And a pathetic FUCKING excuse for a man.

and I hate you.

I want to light these stupid flowers on fire
and smash this glass turtle to pieces.

why are you so mean?
what the hell did I do to you that was SO horrible?
all I ever did was try to care about you and tell you that I thought you were good.
and all you ever did what tell me I shouldn't and that I was stupid and didn't understand.
Is this really what I deserve? Why are you being so mean? What the hell made you so angry? I'm SO sorry for being nice. SO sorry for CARING about you.
You make it like you have the worst life on the entire earth, but if you get so upset over the fact that someone actually attempted to love you, I honestly don't know whether to believe you.
How could you? How could you trick me like this?

Dear Dumbshit.

I hope you know that it's midnight and I should be doing my lab report, but instead, I'm sitting at my desk listening to songs about being betrayed by douchebags like you and crying. And I'm so sick of it. I need to just get over you.

But the worst part is....
that I don't want to.

I hope you realize what you've done.

I'm trying.

I'm trying so hard to forget
I eat ice cream
take a bath
watch movies
do homework
nothing helps
he's all I think about
all I want to do....all I ever do is cry
then sleep so I don't have to cry any more.

How Could You?

You said you sat down and thought about it. When were you going to let me know about your grand conclusion? Were you ever going to let me know that you've decided to erase everything that happened between us from your life? When were you going to tell me??

How could you? How could you pretend to care so much and then just decide that you didn't want this anymore? I'm not a toy! You can't just play with me and then decide you don't want me anymore, especially when you claim that this is all for MY BENEFIT.
How dare you? don't you understand that if I spent 3 hours crying myself to sleep that this OBVIOUSLY ISN'T GOOD FOR ME?
How could you?
How could you make me care about you so goddamn much and then just decide that you don't?

This Summer in a Nutshell

SUCKED.

I mean...honestly...maybe it's just the stress of going back to school and everything (this time last year was when I basically started falling apart) but I honestly haven't been this miserable in a long time. I feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out. I'm absolutely terrified of everything. I feel like there's so much pressure on my shoulders and I can't handle it. I'm not good enough...I can't do it,I honestly can't. Everyone is expecting so much from me and without even meaning to do so I've already failed them. More than anything...I'm failing myself...I just feel like a complete screw up and if I could, I'd just leave for college tomorrow so that I don't have to deal with any of this. I used to be so excited for senior year...now I'm just terrified and anxious. This is the time when I wish I wasn't in any honors/ap/ib classes and that I didn't do any extra curriculars. Life would be some much easier....and so...not scary. :(

Am I A Bad Person?

I honestly kind of feel like a whore.
I've had one or more "love interests" every year of high school.
two of the DM's are my exes.
I broke up with my boyfriend like 2 weeks ago and I'm already fawning over someone else.

But then....it might seem like I've had so many guys in my life...but I really haven't. I mean, honestly, since like, January of Sophomore year (when I ended things with portee) I really didn't have much going on in that department until april of junior year when everything happened with John. But even that. In our 5 months of dating we saw each other like 20 times -____- we never even kissed. it honestly barely felt like a relationship...especially since the summer started. After like...July 20, we literally did not talk or see each other at all. So even though in a way I'm jumping from one guy to the next, it's honestly...like...everything with John really didn't mean anything...but when people find out that we broke up...especially if I end up with someone else *cough so much better cough*....what are they gonna think of me? -______-

The thing I don't understand is why these people even like me. I'm honestly not compliment fishing here, I'm serious. I'm not very pretty at all, and aside from being a d-cup I honestly have nothing physically attractive to offer either. I seriously don't understand why I've even had this many...situations so far any way....What am I doing wrong...or is this not wrong? Honestly...is it wrong to have guys like you...I mean honestly what the hell is wrong with it...(sorry I'm honestly trying to convince myself here.)
ugh...I don't know, I feel like a slut....but I'm finally kind of happy...because...no other person has ever tried so hard for me....and I want to try for him too....is that so wrong?

The Type of Guy Who Doesn't See What He Has Until She Leaves

That was your favorite song, and it became one of mine.
But not anymore.
don't you understand that I loved you??
I would have given the world for you...
and now....it's all for nothing.
It really never meant anything to you, did it?
I never meant anything to you.

It's fine. Honestly it is. Without the weight of you in my heart I can finally be happy again.

I'll miss you baby

But I'm finally free.

You Can Strum That Guitar, I Just Won't Listen.

Are you KIDDING me!?
a week and a half of not calling me...not contacting me, for the SECOND time in a row...and you think a TEXT MESSAGE is going to make up for it!? A wordless, worthless text message.
Go ahead, keep playing that guitar, write me another song.
because I have a guy making me flowers, buying me presents and practically cutting out his heart and handing it to me on a silver platter, yet you can't even give me the time of day.
You can't do this.
You can't just pretend like nothing happened.
You can't like me only on the days it's convenient for you.
And I don't know if I can ever forgive you.

yet...the worst part is that I really really want to.

I Fucking Hate Everyone.

I hate the people on college confidential
I hate the people walking on the street and in their cars
I hate the security guards
I hate the administration
I hate everyone on the internet
I hate people who fight
I hate you for making me miserable
I hate him for making me happy.
and
I hate me.
for putting up with you/not deserving him.

at least right now.

because I feel like complete and utter SHIT. and there's not a damn thing anyone can do to get me out of this misery.

The Demon I Cling To. (Somebody Catch Me)

I'm Just a Holy Fool
Oh Baby It's So Cruel
But I'm Still In Love
With Judas
Baby.

Dammmmiiiiittttttttt T___________T
God, what the hell am I thinking?
There are two.
One obviously loves me...
The Other one...maybe, maybe not.
I obviously love one.
The Other one....maybe, maybe not.
Why can't they just add up?
If he loved me too...Asdfgkjl; this never would have happened.
But the new....the new one...he'll be good for me, won't he?
I just want to be happy
I don't want to be a terrible person
but I am....God I really am.
So why can't I stop loving the one who doesn't love me?
I hate this T___________T

I was so happy once upon a time...
now I have no idea what the hell I'm getting myself into.
Just Let Me Let Go.
and let somebody Catch Me.

Misery

I. just. don't. know.

what the HELL is going on.
if you don't know the situation, ask me, ask suzy, ask somebody, because I really don't feel like explaining the whole thing now.

All I can say is....I give up. I don't know what to do, where to turn, what to say? Please, yell, scream at me. Tell me I did something wrong, that I messed up, that you're angry, because that would be so so so much better than finding out that the truth is that you just don't care about me. I've devoted so many months of my life to you, my every wish and prayer to you. And this is what I get in return? I'm always striving to be the person that helps others. I wanna be "good" for other people. I try so hard to make everyone happy, but I guess that effort really is for nothing, because apparently my happiness doesn't really matter. Actually, I don't even matter. What more can I do now? I'm left here feeling abandoned, unwanted....I feel disgusting I HATE myself because of this, and you know what? the people I've talked to are right, I deserve SO much more. All I have ever done was try to make you happy. I'm not even worth the effort, am I? I guess that's how it's gonna be. I'd love it if you called and told me you were angry, upset, mad, that you hated me, because at least it would mean you haven't called because you really don't care one way or another. Anyone who knows me, anyone who has seen me could tell you how much I care about you, how I look at you with all the love in my heart and how you mean everything to me. It's just too bad you obviously don't do the same.

D-day is over. I'm alive.

so yeah. no one died, surprisingly....no major explosions...i still have all my major organs and limbs.

overall, i think it was okay,,,i'm sure i embarrassed myself a lot...but she was really really nice to me...and i can tell that they have a good relationship....its...its just nice to see. plus i also got to see a ton of his baby pictures (omg SO freaking adorable.) so...it really wasnt as bad as I thought it would be.

unfortunately...the one thing I thought would go well....didn't. I've been planning this surprise for him for weeks, I was so excited to finally tell him, but when i did...idk he didn't exactly have the reaction I was expecting... :(

Happiness.

I'm scared.
I feel
nervous
frantic
anxious
worried

But...I am happy.
for once, it feels like everything is going my way.
Please, Please don't let things fall apart.

(I'm meeting John's Mom on Friday....pray for me; I'll need it.)

asdfghjkl;

So...yeah. I haven't written a blog post in like 3 weeks. And as far as I can tell, I'm not the only one. So what's everyone been up to lately? I feel extra nosey and I wanna know all about everyone's life :3

What new with me:
A lot and not much at the same time...

Uh...I've been having a lot of dreams lately, which is weird because I hardly ever dream...and they're really vivid...so yeah.

I had this major breakout about 2 weeks ago that was...actually probably the worst breakout I've ever had. I have no idea why but it was both hideous and extremely painful. Luckily, it's under control, and I'm happy to report that I don't have a single blemish on my face (yayperfectskin~)

I'm probably going to be meeting John's mom within the next week-ish. I'm absolutely terrified. I don't think I've ever been more afraid of anything in my entire life. Honestly, I want to cry just thinking about it...I've even been having nightmares, which is why I kind of just want to get it over with.

I had a baby in harvest moon lololol. It's a boy :3 I'm gonna have a girl next~

I'm getting a hair cut soon...I don't know what I'm gonna get though...I haven't had a hair cut in a year :O

Can we all go to the beach? I think it would be fun :3

OHHHSHITTT I have to start my summer hw T_T

Why not:

Lists Challenge

01. Five most important/memorable childhood memories

1. The night my mom moved out of the house
   
2. going to the hospital for pneumonia
   
3. playing with my cousin daniel
   
4. my Nana<3
   
5. Meeting suzy and maria at latchkey in school 1 :)
   

02. Ten random facts about yourself

1. CHOCOLATE MILLLKKKKKKK
   
2. I don't cry to/about anything. ever. (except for that day during wind ensemble....)
3. Phantom of the Opera is my favorite movie of all time, but V for Vendetta is a close second. (MASKS FTW.)
   
4. I'm secretly terrified of going to college.
   
5. I have multiple love affairs with many fictional characters who I am seriously in love with. (I have problems.)
6. I have kissed 5 people in my life. 2 on-stage and 3 off.
   
7. I secretly hope that if we really do go to heaven when we die, I will just end up in a virtual reality version of dragon age.
   
8. I don't think I really have a particular favorite artist or type of music...I just like a lot of different stuff. I'm pretty open-minded and Not very picky when it comes to that kind of stuff
   
9. I love Winnie the Pooh
   
10. I also love elephants and hope to study them as an adult. Particularly in Nairobi, Africa.
    

03. Seven secrets

1. I still sleep with stuffed animals.
   
2. Sometimes I wish I could lose my virginity, just to get it over with.
   
3. the thought of having sex terrifies me. Not so much the actually doing it, but being really really self-conscious about being naked around someone else.
   
4. All I want is to be happy<3 Right now, and for the rest of my life.
   
5. I'm scared of being married. I've never seen two people have a successful marriage.
6. I hate our school.
   
7. John is really different from everyone else....sometimes I feel like no matter how much time we spend together I'll never understand him. But I care so much about him. All I want is to make him happy, whether our relationship lasts for 6 months or 60 years.
   

04. Top 10 Favorite movies of all time
in no particular order

1. Phantom of the Opera
2. V for Vendetta
   
3. Big Fish
   
4. Lion King
   
5. Lion King 2
   
6. Spirited Away
   
7. The Notebook (LOL)
   
8. Pan's Labyrinth
   
9. Crash
   
10. UP
    

05 Top 10 Favorite Songs of all time

1. Rocketeer- Far East Movement
   
2. Shark in the Water- V.V. Brown
3. Just Hold Me- Maria Mena
   
4. It must have been love- Maria Mena
   
5. Coin Operated Boy- The Dresden Dolls
   
6. Love will find a way- Lion King 2
   
7. The Edge of Glory- Lady Gaga
   
8. Asunaro Ginga- Sonim
   
9. Animal- Neon Trees
10. Stuck in a moment U2 (LOLOLOL)
    

06. Ten facts about your hometown

1. It's nice that everything is within walking distance
   
2. KOREANSSSSSSSSSSS~
   
3. ^ THAT MEANS LOTS OF YUMMY FOOOD
   
4. Main Street looks more like Korea than America (LOLOL that's what catherine wrote but I'm keeping it)
5. Cockroach infested schools<3
   
6. Our Principal/superintendent are douchebags :D
7. It's actually reeeally pretty in the spring.
   
8. has some awesome teachers.
   
9. holds many great memories for me
   
10. hopefully will hold many more before I leave :)
    

07. List the people in your family & a random fact about them

1. Mom- wakes up at 4 a.m. errday
2. Art- He really likes to mow the lawn. And he also pays for everything. He's like Michael, because he's secretly racist too, but still a nice guy.
   
3. Julia- DEMON.
   
4. Mocha- cannibalistic, but very lazy....AKA a "derp" dog according to Lily.
   

08. Top 10 favorite movie, video game or TV show characters of all time

1. ALISTAIRRRRRRRRR<33333333333333
   
2. THAAAAAAAAAAAANE<3333333333333
   
3. FENRISSSSSSSSSSSSSS<3333333333333
   
4. Yugiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii<3333333333333
   
5. Phantom<33333333333333333333333
   
6. V<33333333333333333333333333333
   
7. Shuichi Nakatsu<3
   
8. Morrigan, even though she's a smart little hoe.
   
9. Wynne
   
10. My OC's lololol~
    

09. A random list
My Birthday wishlist lol

1. ME 3
   
2. An Alistair Poster for my room.
   
3. A Fenris Poster for my room (And my fantasies~<3)
   
4. Nice cards from my friends.
   
5. LIPOSUCTION<3
   
6. Rune factory Ocean
   
7. lights for my room
   
8. picture frames/shadow boxes for the pictures I want to hang up.
   
9. more pictures of everyone that I can hang up.
   
10. room decor lol :)
    

10 random things that you remember from school

1. Passing notes in Citrin's class.
   
2. hating gym. all day, errday.
   
3. being the only person to ever answer anything freshman year in armstrong.
   
4. marching band :3
   
5. the day I met Aki.
   
6. flower ceremony drama.
   
7. inwood/friday crew<3
   
8. That night we chilled with Mr. Hymson.
   
9. Grace from school one<3 I love herrrrr
   
10. Cinderella~
    

11. Top 10 Tumblr blogs, according to you

Uh....I don't have a Tumblr.

12. Five chores that you love, 5 chores that you hate
Love:
1. cleaning my room
2. cleaning my bathroom
3. washing the car
4. cleaning objects like tables and counters
5. washing things that aren't clothes.

Hate:
1. doing the dishes. UGH.
2. vaccuming.
3. cleaning things that are grimy
4. hair in shower drains: ewwwwwwww.
5. folding stuff/laundry

13. Top 10 things you look for in a friend

1. trustworthyness?
   
2. sense of humor
   
3. overall niceness?
   
4. reliability
   
5. good listener
   
6. likes to have fun
   
7. isn't a bitch? lol idk XD
   
8. is interesting
   
9. doesn't insult my mother :D
   
10. creativity? lol i dunno.
    

14. Top 10 things you look for in a romantic partner

1. as alistair-like as possible
   
2. or as fenris/phantom like as possible.
   
3. does really sweet things
   
4. understands me :)
   
5. get's along with my friends
   
6. willing to talk
   
7. likes hugs
   
8. nice smile?
   
9. can make me smile :)
   
10. loves me! ^_____^
    

Maps of My Mind

It's fourth period: i.e. : I don't have enough time to write out a full blog post....so here are all the random thoughts that have been buzzing around my mind all week:

1. WHEN IS WELTE ANNOUNCING THE OFFICERS OMFG

2. Holyyy crappp it's so hot T_____T The library is supposed to be air conditioned what the heckkk.

3. Omgg Mr. Dale and the really pretty korean teacher are leaving today T_T I'm so sad...they're the nicest people ever! I don't want them to leave....

4. I'm getting raped by guidance, I'm never going to get into college...I hate this school -____-

5. Can I really handle going to SC for the next four years? I don't know if I can...I'm so freaked out I've even been having nightmares about it. But they animal husbandry/Behavioral science programs are sooo amazzzinnnggg T_T

6. *sigh....I wish I got to spend more time with John...it's so stressful always having to worry about his mom calling every ten minutes....

7. I HATE GYM GOD I HATE GYM MORE THAN ANYTHING AUUUUUGGGGGHHHH

8. I didn't do my homework due 5th period. It's fourth period right now.... #I'mscrewed.

9. Wow. The administration is just....ugh. I can't even.

10. STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER LEON CHEN.

11. I need to hand in my library books...I still have like 6 of them out....*sigh

12. Can school just end? PLEASE?

13. Not a single teacher has done any kind of review for finals AT ALL WHATSOEVER. WTF

14. If they get rid of marching band during our senior year....so help me god.

15. I have two essays and a book to read this weekend. So much for having fun....fml

16. I feel like sometimes my SAT score is a representation of my worth as a human being. Or, at least viewed that way.

17. ^ I guess I'm not worth very much.

18. Buying canned food for the needy today felt really good. I wish I could do it more often.

19. I have no idea what I'm going to do this summer because I have too much TO do.

20. I really really hope the guys in the tech office aren't reading this....but just in case....HIII GUYS~ ENJOY YOUR AIR CONDITIONED OFFICEEEE! (so unfair....T_T)

21. I'm really jealous that suzy and catherine are in boston right now having fun while I'm boiling in the heat in this disgusting, miserable school with disgusting miserable people.

22. I want to play dragon age.....sooo badly.

23. I'm seriously pissed that I'm missing Ann Marie's party tonight because of stupid APA graduation.

24. I'm even more pissed because I'm probably going to cry when teddy graduates.

25. I have to wake up at seven tomorrow morning. :(

26. I'm seriously considering just leaving school for the rest of the day. Just because I really really really don't want to be here.

27. I loved David's health video. I have so much more respect for leon LOL

28. Speaking of Leon....he's my tech slave BWAHAHAHAHA. No, but really he helps me fix things all the time when he really doen't have to. I wish I could thank him....what can I get him as a gift?

29. P-bag made fun of the announcements this morning: proving once again that he is, in fact, a P-bag.

30. I still think that Ms. Bridgitta is a COMPLETE BITCH.

31. I WANT TO GO HOOOOOME OMG T_____T Can this day just end? Please?


Well....That's all for now :) See y'all soon.

Seriously?

Wow. I just don't know what to say.

I can't lie, for a large majority of this year I suffered from agitated depression due to a whole bunch of stress and a lot of personal issues. But I've been trying really really hard to work through it, and keep a positive attitude no matter what. But honestly, it's really really hard when you go to a school that's (excuse my language) but SO FUCKING ASDFGHJKLLKJHDFSZFRGDJJKH. UGH.
I swear to god, if it's not the ID's they're making a huge freaking deal over, they're raging at us for wearing flip flops or Kamesha is bitching at someone for not acting savage enough. LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE. OMG. I'd sorry. Honestly. It's just that usually I don't really have that much trouble with this kind of stuff, but I was harassed by different people ALL DAY. Don't I get enough of this bullshit outside of school!? Like...I'm sorry. That Ms. Brigitta or whoeverthehell she is? WHAT-A-FUCKING-CUNT. OMG. SERIOUSLY. someone rammed a broom so far up that woman's ass that it's coming out of her nostrils.
And now with all this DM shit? Seriously? And now, I'm sorry...but all the current DM's literally said "ohwellfuckthis" and just decided not to do a DAMN thing.
And I STILL have to deal with P-bag's constant DOUCHEBAGGARY. (but at least I'm used to that!)
THEN THE APA AND SCHOOL IS GENERAL IS GOING TO HELL RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES.
OH. and John's Mother found out that we talk on the phone at night....guess what? NOT ANYMORE. yep. she took his phone away and is going to take it every night...
I'm not even allowed to communicate with my own boyfriend.
wtf world. wtf.
WHY DOES SHIT LIKE THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN. WHY IS EVERYTHING SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED.
I'm just so sick of coming to school and being constantly harassed even when I haven't done ANYTHING AT ALL. I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
LEAVE. ME. THE. FUCK. ALONE.
UUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

She Knows.

*John walks through the door after spending the day with me*

CrayCray: "Get in the car, there's something we have to talk about"

*They get in the car*

John: Mom...I

Cray: You were with your girlfriend weren't you?

John: I...

Cray: Don't try to lie to me.

John: *Silence*...Y...yeah.

Cray: Hmm. Well...So Let's talk about this girl then. She's the one you've been spending all your time with? the reason you're always so eager to spend time out and why you're always coming home late?

John: ...

Cray: I'm not mad you know. I had my first boyfriend in college. He was three years older than me.....So have you met her family?

John: Yes. They hate me.

Cray: WHAT!?!?

John: Just kidding...they don't, they're very nice.

Cray: Good. They BETTER like you.

John: don't worry...I think they do.

Cray: and you like this girl a lot, don't you?

John: y...yes.

Cray: Hmm, well why don't you bring her over next week so that I can meet her? Maybe she can stay for dinner...or maybe I could take the two of you out for dinner....I can't WAIT to meet this girl!!


Yeah...so uh. She knows...and she didn't burst into flames or eat him alive.
Still one problem: she doesn't know that I'm not Korean :/
So...I'm going to continue freaking the flip out until the day when she decides to kill me (I am praying for a quick and painless death.) :D
Wish me LuckkkK~!

Problems.

Okay, First off I apologize for pretty much completely ignoring blogger for almost a month...and btw, I'm also having that weird glitch thing where Blogger logs me out every time I try to comment on someone's post...werid :/

Okay so, even though I haven't blogged about it (even though you all know about it LOL)...this is an issue I've been kind of..."struggling" with for a while now I guess...the only reason I'm choosing to write about it is because maybe you guys have suggestion or solutions for me? Because I could really use some help...

So...it's a little after 4:30 p.m. I'm sitting in my Grandparent's apartment alone waiting for John to be able to come out so we can spend time together...The only problem? I've been waiting since 1:30. And this isn't the first time...the day of SAT's I sat in the high school parking lot for 2 hours before he was finally allowed out...And to be honest, I really want to say "I don't mind...I'll wait forever!" But I'm only human...and I'm really tired of sitting around for hours and hours without a clue of what's going on...and now, when he finally is able to come out...what time will he have to be home 6? 7? we won't even be able to do anything.
And it's really not his fault...I can't be mad at him...but I don't want to say "Um...hey...I dunno how to say this but sitting around for three and a half hours waiting every weekend kind of sucks."
I just don't know what to do...obviously his mom isn't going to change any time soon...but I'm getting really tired of just sitting here waiting all day...it...well it really sucks. I don't know what to do...is there anything I can do? If you guys have any idea how we can fix this, please tell me, because I don't have a clue :(

Update...?

Okay, so I'm not really one for non-formal posts, but this is just a short thing to say sorry, since I've totally been ignoring my blogger lately..

1. Sorry for my absence, I promise to catch up on everyones posts as soon as I can :3
2. Uh...not much is new, I'm just pretty stressed about the end of the year events and finals and work and stuff...yeah the usual...I'm trying so so so hard not to have extreme junioritis.
3. As far as things go with erm...Christmas Lights...I just wanna say that things are going reeeeeeeeally well and I'm very very very happy :)

Well...That's all for now...
Talk/Write to y'all soon.

Bad Dreams

I woke up this morning in a panic...I have no idea why...I think I had a bad dream last night? I think...I think I had a lot of bad dreams last night...I woke up feeling really scared and sad and just...not happy. But it had nothing to do with anything that might have happened in real life...but for some reason, whatever it is that a dreamed about, worried me enough to put me in a bad mood today....I don't know if that really makes sense.
I guess what I mean is...it's like when you're happy everything seems happier. And when you're upset...even small things seem much worse. I went to sleep smiling last night...I talked to him on the phone for 2 hours...but neither of us had any idea that we had been on the phone for that long since the conversation flowed really well...I can honestly say that that's the most fun I've had on the phone in a long time :)
And when you go to sleep smiling as much as I was...all the problems in the world kind of turn into minor annoyances that retreat to the back of your mind.
But in the morning...everything....well everything feels kind of real again...and maybe it's only because the problems seem even worse because I'm in such a...well I would call it "content with a pinch of stress and anxiety" kind of mood.

I mean, aside from the general stress everyone is feeling right now: "OMG my GPA sucks, I fail at SAT's, I hate my life, I'm never going to get into college so I should just crawl into a hole and die." Which I am totally totally feeling right now...there are also...err...other things that I'm worrying a lot about...like whether or not I'll ever actually be able to spend time with him for more than 20 minutes T______T
It sounds really stupid but...it's quite painful to be honest...it's like every time I get to see him...I get so happy, but it's almost like a "teaser", because then he has to leave and I feel worse than before...It's honestly like every moment I'm not with him is just sitting and anticipating the next time I'll be able to be with him.
Missing someone.....sucks.
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...I just feel really...bleh. I wish things were a bit simpler? I wish there weren't so many complications surrounding everything. I just want to be able to have fun without all the worry and stress...

He put it back.

The zebra. He put it back on his phone. He saw that I was upset yesterday when I asked why he took it off...so he put it back :)

That made me smile.

Normally, I would write about all my crazy adventures of today, especially since I've actually been requested to give all the juicy details (LOL) on what's going on with Christmas Lights~ (I still can't believe you people actually enjoy the crap I put on here Lol, it's just a bunch of ranting XD)
But, I am much much much too tired right now.

To make a long story short, I walked him home since his mother wouldn't let him spend time out (much too my misery D:) And then I refused to walk him anywhere near his house because I was...excuse my french, but SCARED SHITLESS of his mother. He kind of laughed that I was scared of her and urged me to come along, saying that it would be okay. We stopped in front of his house, and he wanted to know why I was so hesitant to meet her. And of course, I'm freaking out the entire time that at any moment she's going to come out, see me, grab a shotgun and say the whatever the korean eqivilent of "Get away from my son you fat white whore." at me :D But "no...no...she definitely won't see us" he said.
AND THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED.
YUP.
SHE DID OPEN THE DOOR.

I was facing away from the house and was way way way way too scared to turn around....
anyway...well...she knows. I'm seriously scared that hired korean assassins (aka, ninjas.) are going to come into my room and kill me in my sleep. But yeah.
But of course after that happened I freaked the flip out and he felt bad that I was so upset...He told me that he really thinks that she will like me...and that he wants me to meet her...Then, he gave me a hug.
Which, shocked me more than anything else that day. I mean...he has never even attempted to touch me before. Actually...I've never seen him touch anyone...ever. I mean...not even a high five....a handshake...NOTHING.
WOW O_O
It was....very sweet. He whispered, "please...please don't worry" while he hugged me...I guess he could see how upset I was about meeting his mom and he felt kinda bad?
Oh well...a bittersweet ending to a very very strange day.
Now, I'm just waiting for him to call...which hopefully he will soon...before I fall asleep and then sound like a drunk hobo on the phone :3
*Sigh...so many complications...but overall, I'm really really happy<3

DEAR CRAY CRAY:

I need to seriously thank you for giving birth to/raising such a wonderful son. I mean seriously, I don't know what you did, but good job~

But Seriously:
OMG LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I mean, I know you're his mom and all...but he can't even SNEEZE without you questioning him. >.> SERIOUSLY LADY WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU CALLED HIM 4 TIMES. FOUR TIMES in a 30 minute period of walking home. WHAT THE HELL COULD HE POSSIBLY DO IN BETWEEN THOSE PHONE CALLS >.>
I DUNNO BUT IT SEEMS PRETTY DIFFICULT TO SMOKE CRACK IN 7 MINUTE INTERVALS OF YOUR MOTHER CALLING YOU. BUT IF ANYONE COULD FIGURE IT OUT MATHEMATICALLY, IT WOULD BE AN ASIAN.
GO AWAY. T______T

Ugh. Sorry. I'm honestly not angry...I just miss him a lot. I just feel so bad that he has to deal with that....

And I don't know, but I have the strongest suspicion that she made him get rid of the cell phone charm that I bought for him.

And If she can't even learn to accept a tiny plastic zebra.......how will she ever learn to accept me... :(

ARGH.

NOOOO
WHYYY

Why did she have to ruin a perfectly good conversation!?
I understand that it's 12:20 on a school night and that you're like obsessively overprotective of your son, and that if you knew it was a white girl he was on the phone with every night, you would probably murder the both of us.
BUT WHYYYYYYY.

We were laying there, all dramatically, talking about our pasts, revealing deep dark secrets of why we weren't close with people in are families, and I'm telling him about the time my aunt hit me..the mood is all serious and deep. BUT NOOO. Out of nowhere she has to be all
"PAILI WA KEE YOUNG!!!!!"
I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BETCH.
So of course, he tries to kind of repair the situation by tenderly saying goodnight, which he gets completely cut off in the middle of with another: "PAILI WA!!!!!!"
so we awkwardly say goodnight and he hangs up very quickly.
Damn.
Way to ruin a perfectly good conversation.
fml.

Undeserving.

Take me out the back and shoot me. Please.
I seriously don't even deserve to live.

I feel like a complete and utter failure. I have never been this completely disgusted with myself before.

I (half) know that I'm honestly making way-too-big a deal about this, but the other half feels like...feels like I should just crawl into a hole and die because I'm such a complete waste of life.

I failed Algebra. Not Asian failed, SERIOUSLY failed. I got a 67. This has never happened to me before. And you know what's sad? I got straight A's in every single other class except for that. I just want to cry. and Now, it's 6:30 p.m. and I haven't even started the homework I should have done last weekend. I still haven't done the A-rod essay that was due last week either. And honestly? I'm probably not even going to. I feel like a horrible student. A horrible person.
I wish I could just bury myself in work for the next 12 hours and get it all done, because then I would feel like just a little less of a complete fuck-up. But I really doubt that it's even possible for me to finish it at all. Why. Why am I such an idiot >.>

Well, here's to never getting into college~

Rage.

Yea. Just finished blocking like 16+ people on facebook, not because I dislike them, or have anything against them at all really, but because my parents feel the need to spy, and even use their friend to spy on me through facebook. How messed up is it when you get in trouble because of a freaking STATUS UPDATE. what the hell. I never knew I could be punished for saying something dumb on MY OWN FACEBOOK PROFILE. It's my fault though. I shouldn't have been stupid enough to add them, or anyone in my family as facebook friends.

I just don't understand what is different. I am judged, criticized and scolded for EVERY decision I make. For eating bread instead of cereal, for doing this instead of that. EVERYTHING I actually avoid going into my kitchen, because EVERYSINGLETIME I see my parents they have something negative to say. I can't remember the last time someone asked me how I was feeling, but I can remember every single time I've casually walked through the house only to be told that my bathroom or bedroom is messy or that my grades aren't good enough, or that I still haven't done this or didn't do that right. What the hell happened to "we love you sweetie, and you can do anything you want~ follow your dreams!" Yeah. Bullshit.

I was never one of those teenagers that disrepected or gave my parents attitude, and I was disgusted by anyone who did...I mean, I was like, you spoiled little bitches...you have everything you could ever want, why are you such a brat to your parents? and you know what's sad? I always read articles and hear parents talk about how much they wish their teen would stop pushing them away and just talk to them and whatnot. Well what the hell. I could be some coked-up failure of a student, but I'm not. I'm the "good" child...the envy of all my relatives...the one who gets all the praise at the family get togethers, the one who everyone is convinced will go on to some fancy college and be successful, especially compared to my less-than-outstanding-achievement cousins. But no. I'm treated like crap in my own home, because apparently I can't do anything right.

I honestly don't ask for much, but lately I can't ask for anything...all I want is the chance once in a while to maybe go over a friends house, or hang out in fort lee with my friends which I NEVER EVER EVER do. But no, because apparently, my desire to do something...I dunno...FUN is SUCH an inconvenience for everyone else.

Thank God for blogger. Honestly. Thank god for the only place where I can say what I honestly feel and not be scrutinized, judged and criticized for it eight times a minute.

Sorry for the rant guys....
Is is wrong that right now I seriously want to have an all-blogger-girls sleepover and trash talk hardcore for hours and hours and hours?
yeah, that'd be nice right about now.

HUNGRYYY T___T

I'm not usually one to have food cravings, but I must be like...really hormonal or something because I'm STARVING. I want like...pizza or pasta or bread or meat or ANYTHING.
can we have a food party? not later, or tomorrow or next week...RIGHT NOW.

I'm so hungryyyy T_T

Lily, where are you when I need you! I feel like me and Lenny could have a serious heart to heart right now<3

2 a.m.

It's 2 a.m.
I just finished talking to him for 2 hours.
I think, this is what love feels like<3

With You Right Here, I'm a Rocketeer

Let's Flyyyy~

First of All. Before I Say Anything...You Should All Watch This:




Guess What? That's the song he sang to me. Yes...SANG. to. ME.
I think it's pretty much the sweetest, most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me...EVER.

For the past few days...I've been floating on a cloud of happiness...I think I understand why they call being in love "floating on cloud 9" because it feels like...everything in the world gets brighter, prettier....happier.
I think I'm going to wrinkles, because my face still hurts from smiling so much.

We sat in the hallway in front of my grandparents' apartment for about 2 hours. I couldn't find the words to say, so he handed me the piece of paper he was holding and said, "Do you need to...write it? I want to know exactly what you have to say." It seems so stupid...but that was so touching to me...And so we spent the next few hours writing notes to one another about how we felt. Probably the most life changing 2 hours of our lives X)
We decided to walk home together every day...and call each other every day before we go to sleep.
People...I cannot put into words the emotions I feel when I talk at night with him. Even the awkward silences are the best~ Hearing him breathing...I can tell what he's doing...he breathes softly when he is unsure what to say...and very deeply when he's thinking really hard. Everything he says...is..just wonderful. He's trying so hard to say all the right things. X3 And I truly think he is just the sweetest person on earth...He actually is quite talkative (I know you guys don't believe me... XD)
And he's so caring...he always tells me I Should sleep because he doesn't want me to be tired the next day...and I agree with him...but neither one of us ever actually goes to bed until at least an hour later, because neither one can stand the idea that we will have to go another 24 hours before talking again...
and saying goodbye...is the hardest thing. He is so hesitant...as am I. We must say goodnight like 5 times before actually hanging up X3 and we always tell each other "Sleep well! Have a fun day tomorrow~"
I think...I think this is what love feels like.
I have never been so happy before~ I never even thought it was possible to be so happy~

I want to be stuck in this moment forever~

That Stupid Little Ponytail.

Well, At Least Now I Won't Have To Worry About Which Person Has The Nicer Hair.
Even Though....In the end...I think he would still win?


He Cut his hair. I can't even believe it.
I loved his hair.
And I'm going to be
completely.
one-hundred perecent.
honest.
That hair.
How I freaking love that hair.
So perfect in every way
and also perfect in that
it gave me the excuse
to be near him....alone with him.
to caress his neck.
to "accidently" drop a strand or two onto his shoulder, and gently pick it up again.
to stand so close that I could feel his heart beat.
to look into his eyes, more than I ever had before.
to smell this...indescribable smell of him that sent chills down my spine.
and allowed me
to smile
so freely
epecially because he had no idea
just how much I was smiling
while tying that ponytail.
Even though, after I had "finished" he would secretly take the whole thing down when he thought I wasn't looking, and re-do it himself.
Which made me feel like a complete failure
but also, very happy
in thinking that maybe, he just liked having me around
and that maybe, while I was tying that little ponytail
and he couldn't see my face
and I couldn't see his
we were both smiling
a
silent
little
smile.



What am I supposed to think? Everyone tells me I need to wait just a little bit longer, but it's been weeks now, and I don't know how much longer I can stand to wait.
Part of the problem is, I don't know why I'm waiting....If I knew his hesitation to talk to me was nothing more than nerves and shyness? I'd gladly wait as long as it takes. But what scares me...is that I don't know why he hasn't talked to me...is it only self-conciousness, or a lack of courage....or is there something else?
What am I supposed to think? Everyone tells me it will happen...but he won't even look at me...Even when he's had the chance to talk with me...he doesn't.
If only I knew...If only I knew why he waits...why he avoids me. Because I do the same thing to him...I avoid him...I can't look him in the eye anymore...But it's because I'm so scared....so scared that I have these feelings (which have been the inspiration for 90% of these blog posts) and I'm so beyond terrified that they are unrequited :(
But is this a mutual fear we share? Does he avoid me because I avoid him? Does he look away because I can't find the courage to look him in the eye?
What am I supposed to think...
I wish I knew...what he was thinking too.

Sinking.

S.O.S. S.O.S.

Save me...I feel like I'm drowning.

Let me start off by saying what many of you already know: For me, this year has been the ABSOLUTE WORST EVER.

But, the past month has been...better...at least a little bit.

Now, however, it feels like things are slowly shifting back into their general state of shittiness. I thought once theatre was over, the majority of major stresses for this year would end...but I feel like things have just gotten worse and worse since the show ended.

People feel on edge...there was a lot of love in the musical, believe it or not, I got really close to a lot of people, and I really miss seeing them everyday (yes...I know what you're thinking...and yeah I miss touching his hair too.). And even though the long nights were exhausting...it was actually really fun and exciting sometimes...and there was a weird sense of pleasure in doing something so rewarding.

Now everything is just....bleh. Everyone is stressed and sick and worried about the budget cuts...everyone is always in a bad mood or complaining about something (me included). Not to mention my own personal problems with...uh...christmas lights.

I also...feel a lot of personal failure. I honestly feel like I'm just a big **** up. Everything I do is "wrong". My GPA is in the toilet, I'm disappointing my teachers and everyone around me...And today...I tried to take a nap when I got home and got YELLED AT. (WTF PEOPLE. I WAS EXHAUSTED, I HAD A HEADACHE, I WASN'T DOING COCAINE AND FILMING PORN, I WAS TAKING A GODDAMN NAP.) And my mom was like "I rushed home so you could sit on your ass and do NOTHING. I THOUGHT YOU HAD HOMEWORK." To which I responded that I did but I was tired and in pain (etc, etc.) Then she said "You know what, I'm not making the effort for you anymore...if I had known, I would have just stayed at the office."
UHM OKAY. FIRST OF ALL: I didn't even get there until for 4:30 because of our APA meeting so we didn't leave early in the first place. SECONDLY: DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE WENT AFTER HER WORK? SPRAY TANNING. I WAITED IN THE CAR WHILE SHE WENT TANNING. HOW THE HELL IS THAT "RUSHING HOME FOR ME!?!?

Sorry for the rant...but...ugh I just feel like crap and I honestly wish people would just treat each other a little better...I want to be a little kid again...when everything was easy and everyone was nice to me....

Frustration, Stress, and Heartbreak

: /

^
That has been my face all day.

As most of you know by now, I gave him the letter last night (you know the one where I basically confessed my undying love for him...) I was relieved at first, but now I'm panicking. When someone asked me how it went and what I thought would happen, I said I didn't care about the result, because all that mattered to me is that he knew how I felt...and that although we don't talk a lot...I think I know him better than most, and I really trust him...I don't think he would do anything to hurt me. At least, not purposely.

And while all that is completely true, I'm still scared out of my mind for my own heart...I honestly love him....I know that sounds crazy, and I'm the usually the first person to point out "Hey, THAT'S NOT LOVE." But this...I don't know what else this could be....All I want is to make him smile...I want him to trust me. And selfishly, I want him to love me too :(
That's the part that hurts...the part of me that knows this could all blow up in my face if he doesn't return my feelings. But...All I can do now is wait...and hope...and wait.

And on top of all that, I woke up this morning thinking, well at least I can distract myself with a little R&R...but no, I woke up at 10, only to be rushed down to fort lee for more packing, and then to be hit with the realization that I have a SHITLOAD of homework that I still haven't touched. I am so completely screwed. Especially since I haven't been doing any of my work since I've been working on the show every night until 11 for the last WEEK. I want to cry...I have so much to do, and so little time...and so not enough energy T__T

But honestly, if this whole ordeal with the letter....if it works out, then all this pain is worth it...any pain is worth it.

I'm going to see him tomorrow after school...and the thought of that scares me so much more than actually giving him the letter....

He Called Me.

He Called Me.
OH MY GOD.
He Called Me.

Let me never forget this feeling, which I can find no better word to describe than:

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE<333333

What I would give to squeeze him tightly and explain how much he means to me~
I'm such a loser, and pedophile, and overall creep.
But people do foolish things when in love.
And I suppose
That makes me A Fool.
A Very Big Fool Indeed<3

Let Me Re-Emphasize.

Must I say it again?

I swear, these are the only thoughts that have been running through my mind all day:



STOP WEARING SEXY-ASS TIGHT BLACK SHIRTS ON YOUR SEXY-ASS BACK. IT ONLY MAKES THE SEXY HARDER TO RESIST.

Aggravated

and I don't know why. I can't remember ever really feeling like this. Angry about nothing. Mad about everything. I just want to punch a wall and tell the world to suck my non-existent dick.

I just murdered a spider, and I'm giggling.

what the fuck is wrong with me >.>

Oh I Believe

Love at First Sight. I think I finally understand it.

...because I'm in it.



P.S. Happy February Everyone.

Lonely.

This won't be a long post. Because I feel antsy, angsty and restless. like I can't sit still.

It's true. I can't deny it. Since I broke up with Ira I've been "lonely". There just hasn't been anyone who has been as much of a "best friend" to me since him. And please don't take this the wrong way, I have absolutely no intention of getting back with him, nor any delusional fantasies that we should/that I would want to.

But lately, maybe because of the holidays, or because SO many new couples have formed this year, I feel especially lonely. Every time I have to watch another couple hug or kiss or tell each other how much the love or care about or "never ever want to lose" one another, I feel empty. It used to be envy, and I guess that in a way it still kind of is....but it's a lot more....hopeless now. I have no expectations of anyone to sweep me off my feet. Instead of "wow I wish that would happen to me" it's become "wow that's never going to happen to me".

I know that's a horrible way of thinking....I know I should be "my own super hero" and that I shouldn't need a guy to be happy. And I don't think that having a boyfriend would solve all my problems....it would probably CREATE more problems than anything. Plus, I honestly don't think I'm at a good time in my life to have anyone new...but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. Because it's not that I want to go on dates or kiss or any of that lovey-dovey crap even. I just want someone to care about, and someone who cares about me. I just miss having someone to talk to, I miss hearing "you're the best part of my day" and "hearing your voice makes me smile".

I also think there's really something wrong with me lately. If I go more than a few hours without talking to someone, I get really weird. I can't explain it, but I have the urge to text or call or just talk to ANYONE about anything. It's like this sudden urgency to feel close to someone I guess. Am I crazy? Maybe....I dunno.
Honestly, Teddy has helped me so much these past months. He's seriously like the best non-biological brother ever. He's always there for me, and I only wish he wasn't so stubborn so that he could truly understand how much I appreciate all he does for me, even if having a 2 hour phone conversation with him means being called fatty and yelling back asshole for the majority of the time.

I'm so sick of the chase. I just want someone to like ME for once. I want them to do the work, to be the nervous one for once not me. I don't know if I'm even making sense anymore. heh.

I guess, optimally, I truly wish to find someone like Alistair, and yes, I DO hope to find someone who is like a video game character. Because even with his pixelated, shining eyes and his pre-recorded responses, he makes me feel more loved than anyone has in a long, long time.

I don't feel so good....

But Then Again, I Never Do.


I technically haven't been on Blogger since "last year". I don't know why I stopped...I constantly visited, even attempted to write new posts....but I felt no desire to share my thoughts with the internet....
I knew I was going to come back...I didn't know when...but I knew I would. Otherwise I would have told you guys I was quitting.

I don't know why I decided to write today....it just felt like the time was right I guess.

But, that doesn't mean I actually have anything interesting to tell.

Besides, you guys already know way too much about my life...What more could I possibly tell you? XD


except of course, for my random little thought bubblettes.

Now for the good....well that's actually debatable....here's the "other" stuff.


WHY ARE YOU SO GOSHDARN HARD TO GET OVER.

-please stop having a SEXY-ASS back that FORCE my eyes to your shoulders. Seriously, it's not my fault, I'm being controlled by some alternate force, I swear.
-secondly, STOP WEARING SEXY-ASS TIGHT BLACK SHIRTS ON YOUR SEXY-ASS BACK. IT ONLY MAKES THE SEXY HARDER TO RESIST! Do you hate me? You must hate me, otherwise you wouldn't be subjecting me to this torture.
-STOP BEING FUCKING ADORABLE AND OPENING DOORS FOR ME AND OFFERING UMBRELLAS TO ME AND BEING SO GODDAMN CONSIDERATE: IT ONLY MAKES THIS MORE DIFFICULT.
-Stop looking so adorably miserable all the time....it makes me want to hug you...a lot more than I should.
-but also stop having such a beautiful smile....it makes me want to see it more often....it makes me want to see YOU more often......you asshole.
-DON'T YOU SEE YOU STUPID JERK. YOU TORTURE ME EVERYDAY....AND I BARELY KNOW YOU. WHY ME? HUH!? WHY. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS.....

-and lastly stop being so wonderful.....I hate you so much that it's impossible not to like you....

JERK. >:(