Lonely.

This won't be a long post. Because I feel antsy, angsty and restless. like I can't sit still.

It's true. I can't deny it. Since I broke up with Ira I've been "lonely". There just hasn't been anyone who has been as much of a "best friend" to me since him. And please don't take this the wrong way, I have absolutely no intention of getting back with him, nor any delusional fantasies that we should/that I would want to.

But lately, maybe because of the holidays, or because SO many new couples have formed this year, I feel especially lonely. Every time I have to watch another couple hug or kiss or tell each other how much the love or care about or "never ever want to lose" one another, I feel empty. It used to be envy, and I guess that in a way it still kind of is....but it's a lot more....hopeless now. I have no expectations of anyone to sweep me off my feet. Instead of "wow I wish that would happen to me" it's become "wow that's never going to happen to me".

I know that's a horrible way of thinking....I know I should be "my own super hero" and that I shouldn't need a guy to be happy. And I don't think that having a boyfriend would solve all my problems....it would probably CREATE more problems than anything. Plus, I honestly don't think I'm at a good time in my life to have anyone new...but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. Because it's not that I want to go on dates or kiss or any of that lovey-dovey crap even. I just want someone to care about, and someone who cares about me. I just miss having someone to talk to, I miss hearing "you're the best part of my day" and "hearing your voice makes me smile".

I also think there's really something wrong with me lately. If I go more than a few hours without talking to someone, I get really weird. I can't explain it, but I have the urge to text or call or just talk to ANYONE about anything. It's like this sudden urgency to feel close to someone I guess. Am I crazy? Maybe....I dunno.
Honestly, Teddy has helped me so much these past months. He's seriously like the best non-biological brother ever. He's always there for me, and I only wish he wasn't so stubborn so that he could truly understand how much I appreciate all he does for me, even if having a 2 hour phone conversation with him means being called fatty and yelling back asshole for the majority of the time.

I'm so sick of the chase. I just want someone to like ME for once. I want them to do the work, to be the nervous one for once not me. I don't know if I'm even making sense anymore. heh.

I guess, optimally, I truly wish to find someone like Alistair, and yes, I DO hope to find someone who is like a video game character. Because even with his pixelated, shining eyes and his pre-recorded responses, he makes me feel more loved than anyone has in a long, long time.