Day Three of Healthy Living.

I just ran for 30 mins and did like an hour of cardio on top of that. I feel fucking amazing. I never want to return to my old habits.

You.

Stop giving me false hope, please.
this started out as an innocent little crush because you were patient and kind and funny.
Now that I know the real you....I like you even more, I only know a fraction of what you've gone through, but from what I do know, you are really an amazing person in my eyes. It's so stupid, but I see the way you smile when you look at me....because I have the same reaction....somber, serious...then suddenly, you're a totally different person...happy and just....so friendly. I love talking to you....more than I should.
But the problem is that this isn't some innocent little crush, you're older and this is serious, even dangerous if I'm not careful.
Yet every time I feel like I've reached my breaking point, there you are to make me smile without even trying.
Please stop giving me false hope. It's going to ruin me.

RAGEQUIT

I can't right now
I don't even know what the fuck is making me feel like this
EVERYTHING is absolutely fucking irritating and annoying and bothersome and UGH
I haven't been this angryu is god knows how long
this feeling isn't one I'm used to, but right now I feel like playing that game where you smash the fuck out of the computer just for fun.

http://www.gamefudge.com/Bash-the-Computer

GOD I SERIOUSLY WISH I COULD DO THAT IN REAL LIFE.
Don't be worried if tomorrow I walk around completely silent and broody.
and if I've been a total bitch lately, I sincerely apologize, I swear I'm just a raging hormone monster right now and I'm really afraid to talk to anyone because I might flip crazy amounts of shits.
I seriously want to kill someone right now.
I'm gonna go play a violent video game and see if I feel any better.

I don't feel pretty anymore

I never did, but I used to have this little bit of self-confidence that I kind of kept in reserve in case of emergencies, but I guess I've used it all up.
Ever since I started getting sick...I just feel worse and worse. I'm not even healthy, I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror, why would some one else want to?

I don't understand the word self-conscious. To be conscious is awake and aware. So self-conscious is just to be aware of oneself, right? Then why does it hurt so much?

These boys....people....what's happened.... Their betrayal and treatment of me, combined with my own demons, has completely destroyed me.
I can't even bear to look at myself anymore.
I want to break the necklace, smash the turtle and burn those stupid fucking flowers.
The sad thing is, that when it's all done, I won't hate myself any less.

P.S. Happy 70th Post

Quite Possibly My Most Angry Post Yet

I'm so fed up with people taking advantage of me
I know I'm not perfect
I know I make tons of mistakes, but I really do try to be a generally good person
and yet everyone feels it's perfectly okay to treat me like complete shit. and I am SO tired of it.
And they don't just treat me like shit, they even treat my property like shit.
I'm sick of people telling me everything that's wrong with me too
If I look like shit, or my hair is messy or my shirt is too tight or my skin looks really dry YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT IT.
don't you think I feel bad enough all ready? And if not, DON'T YOU THINK 20 OTHER PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY TOLD ME THE SAME FUCKING THING?

I'm just fed up and pissed off and so so so tired.
All I want is a little more respect.
I honestly try to do so much for others, I really do, and I hardly ever say no to people. I do everything I am asked.
Is it really so much to ask for people to be just a little nicer?

Time to Wake Up.

I'm done.
No more sleeping in and taking things lying down.

The past few weeks I've been in this weird limbo of depressed - very happy - depressed. I don't know why it's suddenly....how can I put it.... unbearable.
Lately I've felt so much worse than usual, especially about myself. I feel scared and alone and disgusting and all sorts of horrible things that no one should have to feel.

All I want is change. I want to stop surrounding myself with negative people and stop talking about negative things. I want to be grateful and act grateful. I have two arms and two legs and my health, and besides happiness, there's really nothing else in the world I could ask for. I'm done complaining, it's time to start acting.

I want to be a
better
happier
healthier
me.

I almost but I didn't.

I was about to give in.
I was about to call, surrender in this strange war of ignorance we seem to have with one another.
I can't help but wonder what your thoughts are on the situation, because I can barely comprehend my own.
I think the only reason I really had any desire to talk to you is because I really really wished deep down in my heart that everything would magically fix itself and you would turn around and actually treat me like a person and all this time I might have actually meant something to you.
But then I realized that magic doesn't exist
and you never really gave a shit.
So I was about to give in.
I was about to call, to surrender
but I didn't.
Because I realized I'm the only one in this war
you never even cared enough to fight in it.