I LIED.

HAHAHAHAHA Make the the worst 48.

wow. I'm just numb right now....I don't think I've ever felt like this...it's like...so miserable that it's peaceful.

Ha. I don't even know what to say. I'm almost....happy about it.



But at least, out of everything that happened, I was able to give a certain person a card for christmas. That was kind of funny too I guess...he was like...uh...thanks. He was acting all sauve...but I could tell he was really shocked XD

a whole week without him....oh well. At least when he reads it, he'll be thinking of me :)

The Worst 24

These past 24 hours have officially been the worst of my life.

It all started with just a hint of soreness in my throat, which I thought might just be vocal strain from all the auditioning.

Little did I know that within a few hours it would turn into restless sleep and constant nightmares that were only interrupted by the need to vomit. Lovely. That one night felt like days.
Migraine
Nausea
Fever
and all the symptoms of a regular cold too.

When I signed out of school I got home by 10. I got on the bed and the next time I opened my eyes it was 5:30. I felt like I was in a coma.

Why do I keep getting sick... :(
I just want to be okay...

bleak.

–adjective, -er, -est.
without hope or encouragement; depressing; dreary: a bleak future.


That is how everything feels to me nowadays. Everything is just blank. I feel like I'm lacking some key emotion...or motivation or inspiration of some sort. I've never felt so empty before. The funny thing is, I don't think it's for any particular reason or an effect of any particular event. It just is...just like everything else....just...is.

I must seem really happy to other people. And I'm not faking it...I don't act happy unless I'm genuinely happy...at least, most of the time. (tragic situations and the like are minor exceptions.)

Like I said, the hardest part about all this is the fact that I can't figure out the cause...because I don't think there is one.

I feel like maybe I've lost the ability to be happy. Not to smile, or laugh at funny things...but to be genuinely content with my life. I just can't help but think...is this really as good as it gets?

You Know What I Want For Christmas?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fT3TvqNNEo

That. YUM.
yeah. That's BRIAN GRIFFIN RIGHT THAR.
SEXY ASS VOICE.
I want THAT to wake me up on Christmas morning.

I dare you to watch it without getting slightly aroused. YOU CAN'T.


NOW STEVE VALENTINE~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NdQqI_M2HI
.
try watching THAT without falling in love.

I seriously can't listen to that voice without wanting to cry. seriously.
everytime I realize that he isn't a real person I lose the desire to continue living T__T

Well, that's my next blog post!
:D

Am I Pretty Enough?

Anyone would say yes, even if it wasn't true, just to make me feel better. But, it's a question that I struggle with...and that I think every girl struggles with every moment of her life.

They might sound like stupid questions, but they cross my mind constantly.
They might be simple, but they are what make my face flush and my heart beat like a drum whenever he's around.
They might sound silly, but they are the questions I hope he answers yes to every time he looks into my eyes.

Am I pretty enough for him?

Am I the kind of girl he'd want to show off to his friends?

Am I nice enough, gentle enough, kind enough, good enough?

Does he dream about me when I'm not around
wonder if I'll ever feel the same way as him
try to calm the butterflies in his stomach when he sees me
hope that I can't hear his heart beating through his chest
pray that he can one day find what it takes to make me happy

Does he understand that I do all these things because of him?

Does my smile light up his world?

...because his smile lights up mine. <3

Free At Last

Thank God Almighty I'm free at last~


Soooo the flower ceremony is finally over, THANK GOD. No more epic amounts of bitching and stress. And it was a great success if I do say so myself :)

Now.... THIRTEEN DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS. YAY.

You know what's really sad? My only wish for Christmas this year was that I would get to kiss someone under the mistletoe....but that's never going to happen I guess :(

^ I SERIOUSLY need one of those.

Friday and Saturday were actually....fun. Saturday I got up really early and we drove down to this little town called Lafayette. We cut down our own tree! Then we went to all the little stores and the duck pond down the road...it was so pretty there...it seemed like a little village lost in time. It was so cute. Everything they had there was christmas themed...they sold decorations and toys and all sorts of things. Then, I got to come home and watch The King and I with two very important people...<3
and although I have to say that it was EXTREMELY awkward...I still had fun. It's really startling how much I have grown to like this kid...I feel like such a loser XD
I'm really sad, because I have this feeling in the back of my mind that it will never ever work between us, but more than anything, I just want to be his friend. All I want is to see him smile...that's all I want. So forget the mistletoe...for my present this year, I just want to see his smile :)

If only life was like harvest moon....give someone a watermelon everyday and eventually they'll propose to you....

Merry Almost Christmas!

Yay.

So...I'm pretty sure me and Teddy have AIDS. No, not really but I seriously feel like I'm dying right now T______T Ugh I feel absolutely horrible. I went to the doctor and they said it's just a virus that I have to suffer through. I'm absolutely miserable though...I can barely move. I've had a fever for days and I get nose bleeds every few hours because my nose is so dry. I'm a disgusting mess. And what the hell am I gonna do about the flower ceremony? I can't barely talk. But I'll just sleep a lot more and pray that I magically feel better in the morning.

On a semi-related note.

I really wanted to wait until I wasn't angry anymore to write this...and as much it might seem like I still am, I'm honestly not.

I'm really not mad...about anything anymore. If anything, I should be mad at myself for not handling things better. But to be completely honest, as shitty as everything came out I did give 100%. I just think...that honestly people need to learn to shut the fuck up. Me included. I honestly can't understand why there was so much drama involving the ceremony. I swear to god there isn't an honest person out there. EVERYONE is fucking two faced. they all act nice to someone to their face and the second they're gone they talk shit about them. I'm so done with that. I never asked for this bullshit, I didn't want any of that. All I wanted to do was do a good job on the ceremony and if I haven't I'm sorry..I really am. But I have been working my ass off for this, whether or not that shows in the results and I honestly don't feel that I deserve to be put down constantly, especially when people decide to complain before they offer to help. I just think it's sad how self centered people are today...and that they can't even pretend to get along. It's all drama...all the time. I'm not saying that people shouldn't complain...I complain, we ALL complain...and sometimes complaints are WELL justified. And it's a great way to relieve stress. But there is a difference between complaining and BITCHING. And honestly, yeah the flower ceremony is stressful and it's not perfect, but it doesn't deserve to get all the negative energy from everything that is going on in everyone's life. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore....The point is. I think everyone's emotions are running high and tension is crazy. I just wanted this to be fun....but I guess that was too much to wish for.

What a Kah-winky dink.

Wow. So the day after I blog about wishing with all my heart that I could have just one day that wasn't so bad, I have one of the worst fucking days ever.

I don't feel like going into detail.

I feel like I'm losing everything.

I feel like I have no control anymore

I feel like I don't know how to be happy.

I can't even remember being happy.


You know what's funny? By tomorrow I'll probably be totally fine. And yet, I won't be. I'll just bury this pain like every single other thing in my life because according to my family it's wrong to have feelings.

But tomorrow? Yeah, by tomorrow I'll be okay.
but for today...well at least I can just cry myself to sleep.

Nothing to do but sigh.

I can't remember the last time I had a "good" day. I remember...I at least used to have days where something good happened, even if it was something really small. Now all the days seem miserable...Nothing good ever seems to happen anymore. And if it does...it's covered up in the bleakness of everything else T_T

I would just like one good day. Just one good day would be nice :)

Here We Go Again....

I Kinda Wanna Be More Than Friends.

Oh Crap.

Not Again.

I finally JUST finished getting over *cough cough*....and now I'm starting all over again?? What the heck? Can someone please slap some sense into my heart or something? I can't believe this is happening...especially because it's someone I'm absolutely not compatible and have no chance with.

dammit T_____T

But But But....I just can't help it. I mean....even with this Love Blindness Infatuation thing...I still know that there's no outright reason why I should like him....I mean....I don't know. But....he's just so different. He's so sweet. I mean...even the tiniest gestures are so cute...like offering his umbrella<3>

And when I like someone....I think about them all the time. I feel Another "Araby" coming on. James Joyce is my man...he totally understands me. But the saddest part is...

I have the most unhealthy desire to glomp him with hugs.

WAAAAAAAAAAH T_______T