Lonely.

This won't be a long post. Because I feel antsy, angsty and restless. like I can't sit still.

It's true. I can't deny it. Since I broke up with Ira I've been "lonely". There just hasn't been anyone who has been as much of a "best friend" to me since him. And please don't take this the wrong way, I have absolutely no intention of getting back with him, nor any delusional fantasies that we should/that I would want to.

But lately, maybe because of the holidays, or because SO many new couples have formed this year, I feel especially lonely. Every time I have to watch another couple hug or kiss or tell each other how much the love or care about or "never ever want to lose" one another, I feel empty. It used to be envy, and I guess that in a way it still kind of is....but it's a lot more....hopeless now. I have no expectations of anyone to sweep me off my feet. Instead of "wow I wish that would happen to me" it's become "wow that's never going to happen to me".

I know that's a horrible way of thinking....I know I should be "my own super hero" and that I shouldn't need a guy to be happy. And I don't think that having a boyfriend would solve all my problems....it would probably CREATE more problems than anything. Plus, I honestly don't think I'm at a good time in my life to have anyone new...but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. Because it's not that I want to go on dates or kiss or any of that lovey-dovey crap even. I just want someone to care about, and someone who cares about me. I just miss having someone to talk to, I miss hearing "you're the best part of my day" and "hearing your voice makes me smile".

I also think there's really something wrong with me lately. If I go more than a few hours without talking to someone, I get really weird. I can't explain it, but I have the urge to text or call or just talk to ANYONE about anything. It's like this sudden urgency to feel close to someone I guess. Am I crazy? Maybe....I dunno.
Honestly, Teddy has helped me so much these past months. He's seriously like the best non-biological brother ever. He's always there for me, and I only wish he wasn't so stubborn so that he could truly understand how much I appreciate all he does for me, even if having a 2 hour phone conversation with him means being called fatty and yelling back asshole for the majority of the time.

I'm so sick of the chase. I just want someone to like ME for once. I want them to do the work, to be the nervous one for once not me. I don't know if I'm even making sense anymore. heh.

I guess, optimally, I truly wish to find someone like Alistair, and yes, I DO hope to find someone who is like a video game character. Because even with his pixelated, shining eyes and his pre-recorded responses, he makes me feel more loved than anyone has in a long, long time.

I don't feel so good....

But Then Again, I Never Do.


I technically haven't been on Blogger since "last year". I don't know why I stopped...I constantly visited, even attempted to write new posts....but I felt no desire to share my thoughts with the internet....
I knew I was going to come back...I didn't know when...but I knew I would. Otherwise I would have told you guys I was quitting.

I don't know why I decided to write today....it just felt like the time was right I guess.

But, that doesn't mean I actually have anything interesting to tell.

Besides, you guys already know way too much about my life...What more could I possibly tell you? XD


except of course, for my random little thought bubblettes.

Now for the good....well that's actually debatable....here's the "other" stuff.


WHY ARE YOU SO GOSHDARN HARD TO GET OVER.

-please stop having a SEXY-ASS back that FORCE my eyes to your shoulders. Seriously, it's not my fault, I'm being controlled by some alternate force, I swear.
-secondly, STOP WEARING SEXY-ASS TIGHT BLACK SHIRTS ON YOUR SEXY-ASS BACK. IT ONLY MAKES THE SEXY HARDER TO RESIST! Do you hate me? You must hate me, otherwise you wouldn't be subjecting me to this torture.
-STOP BEING FUCKING ADORABLE AND OPENING DOORS FOR ME AND OFFERING UMBRELLAS TO ME AND BEING SO GODDAMN CONSIDERATE: IT ONLY MAKES THIS MORE DIFFICULT.
-Stop looking so adorably miserable all the time....it makes me want to hug you...a lot more than I should.
-but also stop having such a beautiful smile....it makes me want to see it more often....it makes me want to see YOU more often......you asshole.
-DON'T YOU SEE YOU STUPID JERK. YOU TORTURE ME EVERYDAY....AND I BARELY KNOW YOU. WHY ME? HUH!? WHY. I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS.....

-and lastly stop being so wonderful.....I hate you so much that it's impossible not to like you....

JERK. >:(