I dunno why, but lately, I've been really into watching freaky tv-shows and movies about zombie apocalypses. Everything from horror movies to resident evil to this new show called the walking dead which I'm actually getting really into now. The weird thing is that while I do like scary movies, I'm not much of a sci-fi fan, so why this interests me so much...I have no clue. But in the event of a mass zombie army attack, I am TOTALLY prepared.
In other news, I recently got netflix, and while I'm super duper tight that they restrict SO many movies to DVD only, I'm still kind of addicted. LOL how do you think I've watched all these zombie shows lately. Hmm, other girls are out watching anime and korean dramas and I'm sitting here playing xbox and watching this crap
I'M SUCH A LOSERRRR
but I'm a happy, zombie-apocalypse-prepared loser :D
1/25/12
1/15/12
Paranoia
I suddenly feel this rush of terror.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because they'll just say I'm an idiot, and I'm making another big mistake by trusting someone.
I keep claiming that they're different. But what if I'm wrong? What if, despite my best attempts to stay closed off, I trust someone again, and just like every other time before, they destroy that trust....What then? I always want to say "this time is different" but is it ever?
Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy...maybe I'm not supposed to care about people, because I feel like everytime I finally work up the courage to trust someone, they take advantage of that trust and hurt me.
What am I doing wrong?
I just don't understand how people I really thought were so great and wonderful and trustworthy could betray me, and I feel like I'm even being betrayed at this very moment....I feel like all I've ever done was try to make people happy...and those people are always the ones that wind up hurting me more than anyone else....if it happened again...I don't know how I could possibly trust anyone ever again...
I just wish that for once in my entire life I could be cared about as much as I have cared for other people....
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, because they'll just say I'm an idiot, and I'm making another big mistake by trusting someone.
I keep claiming that they're different. But what if I'm wrong? What if, despite my best attempts to stay closed off, I trust someone again, and just like every other time before, they destroy that trust....What then? I always want to say "this time is different" but is it ever?
Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy...maybe I'm not supposed to care about people, because I feel like everytime I finally work up the courage to trust someone, they take advantage of that trust and hurt me.
What am I doing wrong?
I just don't understand how people I really thought were so great and wonderful and trustworthy could betray me, and I feel like I'm even being betrayed at this very moment....I feel like all I've ever done was try to make people happy...and those people are always the ones that wind up hurting me more than anyone else....if it happened again...I don't know how I could possibly trust anyone ever again...
I just wish that for once in my entire life I could be cared about as much as I have cared for other people....
1/9/12
Lonely.
I'm terrified. I started this day so optimistic, I was so happy and bubbly...even on such a dreary Monday I felt refreshed and peppy and alive and just genuinely happy.
Of course, the stress of the day gradually brought me down; but I kind of expected that.
It wasn't until 7th period that I started to get really depressed all because of some stupid articles I read.
It was on Huffington Post or one of those other online newspaper type things, when I started reading a lot of articles about relationships and why they failed. The first one was about why we should all be in polygamous/open relationships, where our spouses should be the loves of our emotional lives, but we should be free to have sexual relationships with others. I have to admit, while I first thought this was some bullshit argument by some horny, unhappily married guy, but he actually makes a really convincing argument as to why pretty much all monogamous relationships are doomed to fail. And not just sexually open for men, but women as well.
I guess I really started to think...could I be in an open relationship and be happy?
One of the points the author made was that if our significant other really desired sex outside of the relationship we really wanted our spouses to be happy, then we should be want them to do what would make them happy, aka, go have sex with someone else.
I don't know, maybe I'm an idealist, but I've always wanted love where my partner and I just thought we were the greatest things in the whole world. Maybe that doesn't exist, or at least exist past the honeymoon stage. Is cheating really what it takes to make a relationship work? Because...that terrifies me. I can't imagine my husband sleeping with someone else and me being okay with it. Is it stupid to want a happy, (as in we actually love each other), monogamous marriage?
The next article I read only made it worse. It talked about how there's this false stigma about affairs, the "Pretty Mistress Misconception" where society thinks men only cheat when they find someone prettier/more attractive than their current S.O.
According to the article, this isn't at all the case, which is true when you look at the examples of both normal people and celebrities, even Bill Clinton and Monika Lewinsky if you think about it. We don't look for "prettier", "sexier" or even "better"....we just want an escape from what it familiar.
The reason this worries me is because it only adds to my incredible amount of insecurity. Whenever I had a doubt about someone I was dating I was always reassured with, "You think he likes HER? Please, you're soooo much prettier than she is." Now obviously physical appearance isn't the only thing that matters when we fall for others, but you would think that if someone were willing to cheat or break things off with their current partner, that their new interest better be damn worth it, right?
I'm sure that by this point I'm hardly making any sense, but I'm simply trying to vent all my frustration and confusion.
I really am terrified and I suddenly feel so alone. Now, even if I were to find love, I'd constantly worry that I'd lose it.
If there's one thing I'm not good at, it's being independent. I get lonely so easily, and I constantly depend on others for my own happiness. I wish I could change that, but its the way I've always been, even since I was really little.
I know it's a horrible attitude, but I feel like after graduation I'm going to steer clear of all things relationship-related. I'm just too terrified of losing and getting hurt.
Even when I'm gone he'll still have her, but I won't have anyone at all, and it scares me so much.
I can't look at him....I feel so lonely.
Links to the Articles in case you're curious:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/why-men-need-to-cheat_b_1170015.html?ref=women&ir=Women
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samara-oshea/the-myth-of-the-attractiv_b_1178996.html
Of course, the stress of the day gradually brought me down; but I kind of expected that.
It wasn't until 7th period that I started to get really depressed all because of some stupid articles I read.
It was on Huffington Post or one of those other online newspaper type things, when I started reading a lot of articles about relationships and why they failed. The first one was about why we should all be in polygamous/open relationships, where our spouses should be the loves of our emotional lives, but we should be free to have sexual relationships with others. I have to admit, while I first thought this was some bullshit argument by some horny, unhappily married guy, but he actually makes a really convincing argument as to why pretty much all monogamous relationships are doomed to fail. And not just sexually open for men, but women as well.
I guess I really started to think...could I be in an open relationship and be happy?
One of the points the author made was that if our significant other really desired sex outside of the relationship we really wanted our spouses to be happy, then we should be want them to do what would make them happy, aka, go have sex with someone else.
I don't know, maybe I'm an idealist, but I've always wanted love where my partner and I just thought we were the greatest things in the whole world. Maybe that doesn't exist, or at least exist past the honeymoon stage. Is cheating really what it takes to make a relationship work? Because...that terrifies me. I can't imagine my husband sleeping with someone else and me being okay with it. Is it stupid to want a happy, (as in we actually love each other), monogamous marriage?
The next article I read only made it worse. It talked about how there's this false stigma about affairs, the "Pretty Mistress Misconception" where society thinks men only cheat when they find someone prettier/more attractive than their current S.O.
According to the article, this isn't at all the case, which is true when you look at the examples of both normal people and celebrities, even Bill Clinton and Monika Lewinsky if you think about it. We don't look for "prettier", "sexier" or even "better"....we just want an escape from what it familiar.
The reason this worries me is because it only adds to my incredible amount of insecurity. Whenever I had a doubt about someone I was dating I was always reassured with, "You think he likes HER? Please, you're soooo much prettier than she is." Now obviously physical appearance isn't the only thing that matters when we fall for others, but you would think that if someone were willing to cheat or break things off with their current partner, that their new interest better be damn worth it, right?
I'm sure that by this point I'm hardly making any sense, but I'm simply trying to vent all my frustration and confusion.
I really am terrified and I suddenly feel so alone. Now, even if I were to find love, I'd constantly worry that I'd lose it.
If there's one thing I'm not good at, it's being independent. I get lonely so easily, and I constantly depend on others for my own happiness. I wish I could change that, but its the way I've always been, even since I was really little.
I know it's a horrible attitude, but I feel like after graduation I'm going to steer clear of all things relationship-related. I'm just too terrified of losing and getting hurt.
Even when I'm gone he'll still have her, but I won't have anyone at all, and it scares me so much.
I can't look at him....I feel so lonely.
Links to the Articles in case you're curious:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/why-men-need-to-cheat_b_1170015.html?ref=women&ir=Women
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samara-oshea/the-myth-of-the-attractiv_b_1178996.html
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