I don't believe

Love used to be "my thing".
I was obsessed with it; with finding the perfect guy and having the perfect love story that everyone would envy. I wanted to be the perfect girl that at least ONE special person couldn't possibly resist falling in love with. I watched romance after romance, and my only wish is that I would find a love like that too.
Maybe that's why I was so happy when everything first happened with John...it felt like a love story. And then with Andy, it almost felt like the continuation of that story...the first one went bad, but then out of nowhere came this flower making, glass turtle buying guy to save the day. I guess it was all a little too perfect.
The shocking part is that although I guess I cared about both of them, I definitely didn't love either of them...not even a little. What hurt me so much wasn't the fact that I lost them, but that I had lost at all. I felt hideous, ugly, disgusting. I thought they must have ended things with me because I wasn't thin enough, wasn't pretty enough or good enough.
But I guess...as much as it hurt, and as miserable as I was, it taught me a valuable lesson. There is no such thing as love. Guys want sex, and girls want someone to cuddle and talk about their feelings with. Sometimes, it matches up and you get a great relationship, but even if you do, at least one person will always get sick of the other and leave them for someone else; someone better than you.
Call me a cynic, but I don't believe in love anymore.
I guess the hopeless romantic in me still has an ounce of hope that someday I'll find someone that will prove me wrong, but for now I don't really care. I'm just sick of getting hurt, but I guess if you don't have any expectations you can't be disappointed right?
I wish I could just delete all the bad memories and right click all the negative thoughts and send them to my mind's recycle bin, but I can't. I've been screwed over so many times, and I'm sick of hating myself so much, because no matter what the other person does, I always wind up hating ME.
Screw love and emotion and feelings and happiness. I don't need it anymore.
I don't believe in it anymore.

Mabel's kind of a Slut.

So I just finished reading through the script for Mack & Mabel, and found out that for the musical, I have to kiss Portee 3 times, kiss Adnan, and then kiss whoever they get to play "Frank"

Shit, I need to like....practice? Wait, you actually do have to practice kissing for a show, so I have to practice kissing all three of them -________- AWKWARDDDDDD
Honestly though, I hope none of them pull that "let's just fake kiss" bull shit. That shit is more uncomfortable than actually kissing, it's so awkward, I'd rather just kiss.
MOST ACTION I'VE HAD IN YEARS
lmaooo

I Have No Idea What To Think.

He bought me an amazing present, invited me to Virgnia with him and gave me a hug.

A HUG.

I should be happy, right? Why am I so scared?
This doesn't feel real. Someone actually likes me...?

Fuck This.

I thought that once theatre ended, all the stress of the first semester would start to dwindle and I could finally settle in and start getting ready for some serious senioritis. Apparently not.
In fact, things have been worse than ever this past week. Maybe I'm just hormonal, but I don't think so, because I've actually been pretty happy about some stuff, and yet, the other things in my life just keep getting worse and worse.
This isn't stress though. This is everyone else. I'm am fucking sick and tired of being treated like a fucking doormat. I love helping people, I love doing favors for people, but I am so fucking sick of being treated like shit by EVERYONE.
I am not a fucking taxi.
I am not a fucking maid.
I am not a fucking babysitter.
STOP TREATING ME LIKE ONE.

I swear, every time I make a mistake it is blown out of proportion "Are you serious, Sarah?" "Oh god PLEASE tell me you're JOKING, you can't possibly be THAT STUPID, right Sarah?" "I can't believe you didn't do it, Sarah" "I'm dissappointed in you, Sarah"
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
I'm fucking HUMAN. And while I'm quite flattered that people find me so FUCKING great that I'm above making lowly human-people mistakes, I'm not, I'M SERIOUSLY FUCKING NOT.
Also, I'm entirely aware of all my imperfections. Trust me, you think you have self-esteem issues? I still struggle with self hatred, which is why I DON'T NEED YOU TO POINT OUT MY EVERY FUCKING FLAW.
Don't you think if something's gross or weird or bad or ANYTHING that I would fucking know about it? I already hate myself enough, but if you need to point out things about me that suck to make yourself feel better, CONGRATULATIONS I ACTUALLY HATE MYSELF A LITTLE MORE. I DIDN'T EVEN THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE.

I swear to god he's the only one that appreciates me and makes me feel like I'm good enough.

today I re-learned three things.

1. I am very very cranky when I wake up from naps. Always.

2. My sister is a selfish, immature bitch with absolutely no regard for other people's property.

3. Looks really don't matter. I swear to God they don't. Sometimes, someone's personality can make them so gorgeous, even if they aren't....and you're pretty freaking attractive to me.

Thanks So Much.

So...you had the time to be part of Video-Film Club...but you didn't have time for me?
Thanks so much.
I should feel guilty for ignoring you like crazy. But I don't.
Not even a little bit.

ByeByeForever~