I don't believe

Love used to be "my thing".
I was obsessed with it; with finding the perfect guy and having the perfect love story that everyone would envy. I wanted to be the perfect girl that at least ONE special person couldn't possibly resist falling in love with. I watched romance after romance, and my only wish is that I would find a love like that too.
Maybe that's why I was so happy when everything first happened with John...it felt like a love story. And then with Andy, it almost felt like the continuation of that story...the first one went bad, but then out of nowhere came this flower making, glass turtle buying guy to save the day. I guess it was all a little too perfect.
The shocking part is that although I guess I cared about both of them, I definitely didn't love either of them...not even a little. What hurt me so much wasn't the fact that I lost them, but that I had lost at all. I felt hideous, ugly, disgusting. I thought they must have ended things with me because I wasn't thin enough, wasn't pretty enough or good enough.
But I guess...as much as it hurt, and as miserable as I was, it taught me a valuable lesson. There is no such thing as love. Guys want sex, and girls want someone to cuddle and talk about their feelings with. Sometimes, it matches up and you get a great relationship, but even if you do, at least one person will always get sick of the other and leave them for someone else; someone better than you.
Call me a cynic, but I don't believe in love anymore.
I guess the hopeless romantic in me still has an ounce of hope that someday I'll find someone that will prove me wrong, but for now I don't really care. I'm just sick of getting hurt, but I guess if you don't have any expectations you can't be disappointed right?
I wish I could just delete all the bad memories and right click all the negative thoughts and send them to my mind's recycle bin, but I can't. I've been screwed over so many times, and I'm sick of hating myself so much, because no matter what the other person does, I always wind up hating ME.
Screw love and emotion and feelings and happiness. I don't need it anymore.
I don't believe in it anymore.