He put it back.

The zebra. He put it back on his phone. He saw that I was upset yesterday when I asked why he took it off...so he put it back :)

That made me smile.

Normally, I would write about all my crazy adventures of today, especially since I've actually been requested to give all the juicy details (LOL) on what's going on with Christmas Lights~ (I still can't believe you people actually enjoy the crap I put on here Lol, it's just a bunch of ranting XD)
But, I am much much much too tired right now.

To make a long story short, I walked him home since his mother wouldn't let him spend time out (much too my misery D:) And then I refused to walk him anywhere near his house because I was...excuse my french, but SCARED SHITLESS of his mother. He kind of laughed that I was scared of her and urged me to come along, saying that it would be okay. We stopped in front of his house, and he wanted to know why I was so hesitant to meet her. And of course, I'm freaking out the entire time that at any moment she's going to come out, see me, grab a shotgun and say the whatever the korean eqivilent of "Get away from my son you fat white whore." at me :D But "no...no...she definitely won't see us" he said.
AND THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED.
YUP.
SHE DID OPEN THE DOOR.

I was facing away from the house and was way way way way too scared to turn around....
anyway...well...she knows. I'm seriously scared that hired korean assassins (aka, ninjas.) are going to come into my room and kill me in my sleep. But yeah.
But of course after that happened I freaked the flip out and he felt bad that I was so upset...He told me that he really thinks that she will like me...and that he wants me to meet her...Then, he gave me a hug.
Which, shocked me more than anything else that day. I mean...he has never even attempted to touch me before. Actually...I've never seen him touch anyone...ever. I mean...not even a high five....a handshake...NOTHING.
WOW O_O
It was....very sweet. He whispered, "please...please don't worry" while he hugged me...I guess he could see how upset I was about meeting his mom and he felt kinda bad?
Oh well...a bittersweet ending to a very very strange day.
Now, I'm just waiting for him to call...which hopefully he will soon...before I fall asleep and then sound like a drunk hobo on the phone :3
*Sigh...so many complications...but overall, I'm really really happy<3

DEAR CRAY CRAY:

I need to seriously thank you for giving birth to/raising such a wonderful son. I mean seriously, I don't know what you did, but good job~

But Seriously:
OMG LEAVE HIM ALONE.

I mean, I know you're his mom and all...but he can't even SNEEZE without you questioning him. >.> SERIOUSLY LADY WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU CALLED HIM 4 TIMES. FOUR TIMES in a 30 minute period of walking home. WHAT THE HELL COULD HE POSSIBLY DO IN BETWEEN THOSE PHONE CALLS >.>
I DUNNO BUT IT SEEMS PRETTY DIFFICULT TO SMOKE CRACK IN 7 MINUTE INTERVALS OF YOUR MOTHER CALLING YOU. BUT IF ANYONE COULD FIGURE IT OUT MATHEMATICALLY, IT WOULD BE AN ASIAN.
GO AWAY. T______T

Ugh. Sorry. I'm honestly not angry...I just miss him a lot. I just feel so bad that he has to deal with that....

And I don't know, but I have the strongest suspicion that she made him get rid of the cell phone charm that I bought for him.

And If she can't even learn to accept a tiny plastic zebra.......how will she ever learn to accept me... :(

ARGH.

NOOOO
WHYYY

Why did she have to ruin a perfectly good conversation!?
I understand that it's 12:20 on a school night and that you're like obsessively overprotective of your son, and that if you knew it was a white girl he was on the phone with every night, you would probably murder the both of us.
BUT WHYYYYYYY.

We were laying there, all dramatically, talking about our pasts, revealing deep dark secrets of why we weren't close with people in are families, and I'm telling him about the time my aunt hit me..the mood is all serious and deep. BUT NOOO. Out of nowhere she has to be all
"PAILI WA KEE YOUNG!!!!!"
I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BETCH.
So of course, he tries to kind of repair the situation by tenderly saying goodnight, which he gets completely cut off in the middle of with another: "PAILI WA!!!!!!"
so we awkwardly say goodnight and he hangs up very quickly.
Damn.
Way to ruin a perfectly good conversation.
fml.

Undeserving.

Take me out the back and shoot me. Please.
I seriously don't even deserve to live.

I feel like a complete and utter failure. I have never been this completely disgusted with myself before.

I (half) know that I'm honestly making way-too-big a deal about this, but the other half feels like...feels like I should just crawl into a hole and die because I'm such a complete waste of life.

I failed Algebra. Not Asian failed, SERIOUSLY failed. I got a 67. This has never happened to me before. And you know what's sad? I got straight A's in every single other class except for that. I just want to cry. and Now, it's 6:30 p.m. and I haven't even started the homework I should have done last weekend. I still haven't done the A-rod essay that was due last week either. And honestly? I'm probably not even going to. I feel like a horrible student. A horrible person.
I wish I could just bury myself in work for the next 12 hours and get it all done, because then I would feel like just a little less of a complete fuck-up. But I really doubt that it's even possible for me to finish it at all. Why. Why am I such an idiot >.>

Well, here's to never getting into college~

Rage.

Yea. Just finished blocking like 16+ people on facebook, not because I dislike them, or have anything against them at all really, but because my parents feel the need to spy, and even use their friend to spy on me through facebook. How messed up is it when you get in trouble because of a freaking STATUS UPDATE. what the hell. I never knew I could be punished for saying something dumb on MY OWN FACEBOOK PROFILE. It's my fault though. I shouldn't have been stupid enough to add them, or anyone in my family as facebook friends.

I just don't understand what is different. I am judged, criticized and scolded for EVERY decision I make. For eating bread instead of cereal, for doing this instead of that. EVERYTHING I actually avoid going into my kitchen, because EVERYSINGLETIME I see my parents they have something negative to say. I can't remember the last time someone asked me how I was feeling, but I can remember every single time I've casually walked through the house only to be told that my bathroom or bedroom is messy or that my grades aren't good enough, or that I still haven't done this or didn't do that right. What the hell happened to "we love you sweetie, and you can do anything you want~ follow your dreams!" Yeah. Bullshit.

I was never one of those teenagers that disrepected or gave my parents attitude, and I was disgusted by anyone who did...I mean, I was like, you spoiled little bitches...you have everything you could ever want, why are you such a brat to your parents? and you know what's sad? I always read articles and hear parents talk about how much they wish their teen would stop pushing them away and just talk to them and whatnot. Well what the hell. I could be some coked-up failure of a student, but I'm not. I'm the "good" child...the envy of all my relatives...the one who gets all the praise at the family get togethers, the one who everyone is convinced will go on to some fancy college and be successful, especially compared to my less-than-outstanding-achievement cousins. But no. I'm treated like crap in my own home, because apparently I can't do anything right.

I honestly don't ask for much, but lately I can't ask for anything...all I want is the chance once in a while to maybe go over a friends house, or hang out in fort lee with my friends which I NEVER EVER EVER do. But no, because apparently, my desire to do something...I dunno...FUN is SUCH an inconvenience for everyone else.

Thank God for blogger. Honestly. Thank god for the only place where I can say what I honestly feel and not be scrutinized, judged and criticized for it eight times a minute.

Sorry for the rant guys....
Is is wrong that right now I seriously want to have an all-blogger-girls sleepover and trash talk hardcore for hours and hours and hours?
yeah, that'd be nice right about now.

HUNGRYYY T___T

I'm not usually one to have food cravings, but I must be like...really hormonal or something because I'm STARVING. I want like...pizza or pasta or bread or meat or ANYTHING.
can we have a food party? not later, or tomorrow or next week...RIGHT NOW.

I'm so hungryyyy T_T

Lily, where are you when I need you! I feel like me and Lenny could have a serious heart to heart right now<3

2 a.m.

It's 2 a.m.
I just finished talking to him for 2 hours.
I think, this is what love feels like<3

With You Right Here, I'm a Rocketeer

Let's Flyyyy~

First of All. Before I Say Anything...You Should All Watch This:




Guess What? That's the song he sang to me. Yes...SANG. to. ME.
I think it's pretty much the sweetest, most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me...EVER.

For the past few days...I've been floating on a cloud of happiness...I think I understand why they call being in love "floating on cloud 9" because it feels like...everything in the world gets brighter, prettier....happier.
I think I'm going to wrinkles, because my face still hurts from smiling so much.

We sat in the hallway in front of my grandparents' apartment for about 2 hours. I couldn't find the words to say, so he handed me the piece of paper he was holding and said, "Do you need to...write it? I want to know exactly what you have to say." It seems so stupid...but that was so touching to me...And so we spent the next few hours writing notes to one another about how we felt. Probably the most life changing 2 hours of our lives X)
We decided to walk home together every day...and call each other every day before we go to sleep.
People...I cannot put into words the emotions I feel when I talk at night with him. Even the awkward silences are the best~ Hearing him breathing...I can tell what he's doing...he breathes softly when he is unsure what to say...and very deeply when he's thinking really hard. Everything he says...is..just wonderful. He's trying so hard to say all the right things. X3 And I truly think he is just the sweetest person on earth...He actually is quite talkative (I know you guys don't believe me... XD)
And he's so caring...he always tells me I Should sleep because he doesn't want me to be tired the next day...and I agree with him...but neither one of us ever actually goes to bed until at least an hour later, because neither one can stand the idea that we will have to go another 24 hours before talking again...
and saying goodbye...is the hardest thing. He is so hesitant...as am I. We must say goodnight like 5 times before actually hanging up X3 and we always tell each other "Sleep well! Have a fun day tomorrow~"
I think...I think this is what love feels like.
I have never been so happy before~ I never even thought it was possible to be so happy~

I want to be stuck in this moment forever~

That Stupid Little Ponytail.

Well, At Least Now I Won't Have To Worry About Which Person Has The Nicer Hair.
Even Though....In the end...I think he would still win?


He Cut his hair. I can't even believe it.
I loved his hair.
And I'm going to be
completely.
one-hundred perecent.
honest.
That hair.
How I freaking love that hair.
So perfect in every way
and also perfect in that
it gave me the excuse
to be near him....alone with him.
to caress his neck.
to "accidently" drop a strand or two onto his shoulder, and gently pick it up again.
to stand so close that I could feel his heart beat.
to look into his eyes, more than I ever had before.
to smell this...indescribable smell of him that sent chills down my spine.
and allowed me
to smile
so freely
epecially because he had no idea
just how much I was smiling
while tying that ponytail.
Even though, after I had "finished" he would secretly take the whole thing down when he thought I wasn't looking, and re-do it himself.
Which made me feel like a complete failure
but also, very happy
in thinking that maybe, he just liked having me around
and that maybe, while I was tying that little ponytail
and he couldn't see my face
and I couldn't see his
we were both smiling
a
silent
little
smile.



What am I supposed to think? Everyone tells me I need to wait just a little bit longer, but it's been weeks now, and I don't know how much longer I can stand to wait.
Part of the problem is, I don't know why I'm waiting....If I knew his hesitation to talk to me was nothing more than nerves and shyness? I'd gladly wait as long as it takes. But what scares me...is that I don't know why he hasn't talked to me...is it only self-conciousness, or a lack of courage....or is there something else?
What am I supposed to think? Everyone tells me it will happen...but he won't even look at me...Even when he's had the chance to talk with me...he doesn't.
If only I knew...If only I knew why he waits...why he avoids me. Because I do the same thing to him...I avoid him...I can't look him in the eye anymore...But it's because I'm so scared....so scared that I have these feelings (which have been the inspiration for 90% of these blog posts) and I'm so beyond terrified that they are unrequited :(
But is this a mutual fear we share? Does he avoid me because I avoid him? Does he look away because I can't find the courage to look him in the eye?
What am I supposed to think...
I wish I knew...what he was thinking too.

Sinking.

S.O.S. S.O.S.

Save me...I feel like I'm drowning.

Let me start off by saying what many of you already know: For me, this year has been the ABSOLUTE WORST EVER.

But, the past month has been...better...at least a little bit.

Now, however, it feels like things are slowly shifting back into their general state of shittiness. I thought once theatre was over, the majority of major stresses for this year would end...but I feel like things have just gotten worse and worse since the show ended.

People feel on edge...there was a lot of love in the musical, believe it or not, I got really close to a lot of people, and I really miss seeing them everyday (yes...I know what you're thinking...and yeah I miss touching his hair too.). And even though the long nights were exhausting...it was actually really fun and exciting sometimes...and there was a weird sense of pleasure in doing something so rewarding.

Now everything is just....bleh. Everyone is stressed and sick and worried about the budget cuts...everyone is always in a bad mood or complaining about something (me included). Not to mention my own personal problems with...uh...christmas lights.

I also...feel a lot of personal failure. I honestly feel like I'm just a big **** up. Everything I do is "wrong". My GPA is in the toilet, I'm disappointing my teachers and everyone around me...And today...I tried to take a nap when I got home and got YELLED AT. (WTF PEOPLE. I WAS EXHAUSTED, I HAD A HEADACHE, I WASN'T DOING COCAINE AND FILMING PORN, I WAS TAKING A GODDAMN NAP.) And my mom was like "I rushed home so you could sit on your ass and do NOTHING. I THOUGHT YOU HAD HOMEWORK." To which I responded that I did but I was tired and in pain (etc, etc.) Then she said "You know what, I'm not making the effort for you anymore...if I had known, I would have just stayed at the office."
UHM OKAY. FIRST OF ALL: I didn't even get there until for 4:30 because of our APA meeting so we didn't leave early in the first place. SECONDLY: DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE WENT AFTER HER WORK? SPRAY TANNING. I WAITED IN THE CAR WHILE SHE WENT TANNING. HOW THE HELL IS THAT "RUSHING HOME FOR ME!?!?

Sorry for the rant...but...ugh I just feel like crap and I honestly wish people would just treat each other a little better...I want to be a little kid again...when everything was easy and everyone was nice to me....