Lonely.

I'm terrified. I started this day so optimistic, I was so happy and bubbly...even on such a dreary Monday I felt refreshed and peppy and alive and just genuinely happy.
Of course, the stress of the day gradually brought me down; but I kind of expected that.

It wasn't until 7th period that I started to get really depressed all because of some stupid articles I read.

It was on Huffington Post or one of those other online newspaper type things, when I started reading a lot of articles about relationships and why they failed. The first one was about why we should all be in polygamous/open relationships, where our spouses should be the loves of our emotional lives, but we should be free to have sexual relationships with others. I have to admit, while I first thought this was some bullshit argument by some horny, unhappily married guy, but he actually makes a really convincing argument as to why pretty much all monogamous relationships are doomed to fail. And not just sexually open for men, but women as well.
I guess I really started to think...could I be in an open relationship and be happy?
One of the points the author made was that if our significant other really desired sex outside of the relationship we really wanted our spouses to be happy, then we should be want them to do what would make them happy, aka, go have sex with someone else.
I don't know, maybe I'm an idealist, but I've always wanted love where my partner and I just thought we were the greatest things in the whole world. Maybe that doesn't exist, or at least exist past the honeymoon stage. Is cheating really what it takes to make a relationship work? Because...that terrifies me. I can't imagine my husband sleeping with someone else and me being okay with it. Is it stupid to want a happy, (as in we actually love each other), monogamous marriage?
The next article I read only made it worse. It talked about how there's this false stigma about affairs, the "Pretty Mistress Misconception" where society thinks men only cheat when they find someone prettier/more attractive than their current S.O.
According to the article, this isn't at all the case, which is true when you look at the examples of both normal people and celebrities, even Bill Clinton and Monika Lewinsky if you think about it. We don't look for "prettier", "sexier" or even "better"....we just want an escape from what it familiar.
The reason this worries me is because it only adds to my incredible amount of insecurity. Whenever I had a doubt about someone I was dating I was always reassured with, "You think he likes HER? Please, you're soooo much prettier than she is." Now obviously physical appearance isn't the only thing that matters when we fall for others, but you would think that if someone were willing to cheat or break things off with their current partner, that their new interest better be damn worth it, right?
I'm sure that by this point I'm hardly making any sense, but I'm simply trying to vent all my frustration and confusion.
I really am terrified and I suddenly feel so alone. Now, even if I were to find love, I'd constantly worry that I'd lose it.

If there's one thing I'm not good at, it's being independent. I get lonely so easily, and I constantly depend on others for my own happiness. I wish I could change that, but its the way I've always been, even since I was really little.

I know it's a horrible attitude, but I feel like after graduation I'm going to steer clear of all things relationship-related. I'm just too terrified of losing and getting hurt.

Even when I'm gone he'll still have her, but I won't have anyone at all, and it scares me so much.
I can't look at him....I feel so lonely.


Links to the Articles in case you're curious:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/why-men-need-to-cheat_b_1170015.html?ref=women&ir=Women

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/samara-oshea/the-myth-of-the-attractiv_b_1178996.html