That Stupid Little Ponytail.

Well, At Least Now I Won't Have To Worry About Which Person Has The Nicer Hair.
Even Though....In the end...I think he would still win?


He Cut his hair. I can't even believe it.
I loved his hair.
And I'm going to be
completely.
one-hundred perecent.
honest.
That hair.
How I freaking love that hair.
So perfect in every way
and also perfect in that
it gave me the excuse
to be near him....alone with him.
to caress his neck.
to "accidently" drop a strand or two onto his shoulder, and gently pick it up again.
to stand so close that I could feel his heart beat.
to look into his eyes, more than I ever had before.
to smell this...indescribable smell of him that sent chills down my spine.
and allowed me
to smile
so freely
epecially because he had no idea
just how much I was smiling
while tying that ponytail.
Even though, after I had "finished" he would secretly take the whole thing down when he thought I wasn't looking, and re-do it himself.
Which made me feel like a complete failure
but also, very happy
in thinking that maybe, he just liked having me around
and that maybe, while I was tying that little ponytail
and he couldn't see my face
and I couldn't see his
we were both smiling
a
silent
little
smile.



What am I supposed to think? Everyone tells me I need to wait just a little bit longer, but it's been weeks now, and I don't know how much longer I can stand to wait.
Part of the problem is, I don't know why I'm waiting....If I knew his hesitation to talk to me was nothing more than nerves and shyness? I'd gladly wait as long as it takes. But what scares me...is that I don't know why he hasn't talked to me...is it only self-conciousness, or a lack of courage....or is there something else?
What am I supposed to think? Everyone tells me it will happen...but he won't even look at me...Even when he's had the chance to talk with me...he doesn't.
If only I knew...If only I knew why he waits...why he avoids me. Because I do the same thing to him...I avoid him...I can't look him in the eye anymore...But it's because I'm so scared....so scared that I have these feelings (which have been the inspiration for 90% of these blog posts) and I'm so beyond terrified that they are unrequited :(
But is this a mutual fear we share? Does he avoid me because I avoid him? Does he look away because I can't find the courage to look him in the eye?
What am I supposed to think...
I wish I knew...what he was thinking too.