Do you ever have those days when you just kind of absolutely hate yourself?
Like you want to die for the sole reason of "I don't deserve to live".
I've had self esteem issues for a long time.
I wish I could just forget them, but ever since 8th grade they've pretty much defined who I am.
and sometimes I just want to die, even now, just thinking about it.
Someone told me I seemed a lot happier now than back in 8th and 9th grade when I first started going through this weird crazed obsession with being perfect. But am I?
Back then, even if I didn't realize it....I was so much better.
I was thin and got good grades and I was a good daughter and I was perfect. Or as close to perfect as I've ever been at least. and I might not have been happy but I didn't feel like this.
Now, I can't even stand to look in the mirror. I feel disgusting and unworthy of any and all happiness and I'm wondering if I could just turn back to 9th grade me.
120 llb B-cup me who was miserable but actually deserved happiness.
I just hate myself so much and I'm sick of people telling me how to try to fix it because no amount of salad eating or exercising or make-up or new clothes is going to make me not want to stop living because I feel so disgustingly hideous.
It's really funny, Sarah, that I completely understand how you feel but for the opposite reasons... I've always hated myself for my personality and the way I act, sit around calling myself a bitch and convincing myself that no one would miss me if I just upped and disappeared.
ReplyDeleteI know that no amount of someone telling you otherwise will ever convince you that you're wrong (been there, still there, trust me), but there really is nothing wrong with you in my eyes. Hopefully you'll feel better in college when you're around different people. :( hang in there, Sarah, and just remember that there ARE people who care <3